Journey to Happiness
by fanaticd12
Summary: Katniss Everdeen has resided herself to live the remainder of her life in a miserable and depressed haze . When Peeta Mellark comes back to District 12 she must decide to either ignore her feelings or let him in. How did Peeta and Katniss grow back together once they had returned to District 12? and What obstacles did they meet on their journey to happiness?
1. Prolouge

I'm walking back from the woods carrying a disappointing amount of game in my bag. This will never be enough to provide for my family .I feel like a failure as I trudge through the ramshackle houses in the Seam. The streets are eerily empty this evening and there's a chill in the air. I have an uneasy feeling as I continue on my path but I press on knowing that my family is relying on me.

As I approach my house I can see Prim sitting at the table. She's waiting for a meal that is sure to only wet her appetite. A rush of shame floods over me. She needed me and I failed. Just as I am approaching the path that leads to our front door I begin to feel an unsettling rumbling around me. It starts out low and begins to grow stronger and stronger. Prim feels it too and races to the door to run to me but it will not open. She goes to the window next trying to escape the house but she's trapped. Her terrified eyes burn a hole right through me.

Panic fills my soul as I run to her, my arms outstretched. I'm running at full speed but no matter how fast I go the house stays out of my reach. Finally I reach the window and Prim is screaming for me to help her. The house is shaking now and I can see cracks forming in the walls that surround my sister, the only person I' m really sure that I love. I begin hysterically punching at the window until my hands bleed but it doesn't budge.

The shaking has become overwhelming, I feel angry and helpless. I look away from my bloody fists just in time to focus in on the rest of the room that surrounds Prim. As my eyes come into focus I see the room is filling with bodies, hundreds of them in a piled heap. The faces I can make out are filled with terror. Their mouths hang open as if to ask why this happened to them. I can spot Rue's brown curly hair at the bottom of one pile and Finnick's sea green eyes in another. The sickening smell of blood fills the air and I watch helplessly as the rumble grows into an explosion that obliterates my home with Prim inside.

I jump up from my bed & find I'm reaching at the open air in front of me screaming Prim's name at the top of my lungs. It was just another nightmare. I race to the bathroom and make it just in time for the vomit to reach the toilet.


	2. Chapter 1

It's been six months since I returned to District 12 .Daily life has become slightly easier to deal with however I continue to struggle to stay present in the world around me. During the day I walk around the house in a depressed haze and at night I 'm filled with night terrors that cause me to scream myself hoarse and turn my stomach until I am sick. At first I can't understand how everyone is moving along as if the world has not change. I watch them as they laugh and go about their daily tasks. How do they do it? I still feel so alone and empty, I couldn't smile if I tried. But then I realize that for many people this life is better slightly better than the one the war obliterated. The new government, led by President Paylor is trying to be equitable with their resources. They are rebuilding the war torn districts and creating jobs with each factory or store they put up.

District 12 seems to be undergoing the most change. I think they're trying to use us as an example. We represent the amazing transformation that is capable once we were out from under the capitols oppressive thumb. I've seen camera crews floating around taking footage of the progress that is being made. Plutarch wrote me a letter telling me that I should be "sparkling" (his words not mine) on the screen and he had many projects for me to work on all I had to do was say the word. I immediately threw the letter in the fire and never sent him a response. I have no desire to be in the lime light again. The thought sends a cold chill down my spine.

The Capitol's bombs all but obliterated our humble surroundings leaving a clean slate for the rebuilding. They started by building a factory where medicine will be made. Yet another symbol of the healing that is taking place all over Panem. This was followed by the construction of many single family homes. They sat empty for a while but soon refugees from all over began to fill them with warmth and laughter. People who can't go back home and face the demons who linger there come to District 12 to start a new. We've become a sort of Mecca for refugees and it's transforming our depressed surrounding into somewhere with a silver lining of hope.

Although I'm glad to see new life being pumped into the city streets I can't help but be envious of everyone's ability to wipe their slate clean. The government mandated that I stay here in District 12 and I can't ever leave. It's my punishment for assassinating Coin. My natural instinct has always been to run and hide when I'm dealing with any emotion I can't handle. This is why forcing me to face my demons every day has been especially excruciating for me. There's nowhere for me to hide. Everywhere I turn I'm reminded of the loss that tears a gaping hole in my heart .A hole I'm not sure will ever be mended.

Over the past few months Haymitch and Grease Sae have come and checked on me .They make sure I'm eating and not living in filth. I'm the most shocked when Peeta comes home. He keeps me company even when I'm mean and short with him. I've all but ruined his life and yet he still helps me in any way he can. I wish I could approach life like Peeta; he has such an amazing ability to see the bright side of any situation.

There are times when I find myself staring at his hopeful eyes and soft mouth. He's caught my stare a few times and when this happens I tell him I don't feel well and he needs to leave. I'm not made the same way as he is .I don't possess the kindness to be there for him or the strength to let him in. The thought of losing someone else I care about paralyses me with fear so I decide to never let anyone into my heart again. Call it what you will caulis, cruelty, I call it survival. So this is the new life I've created for myself. I keep pushing everyone away in hopes that they'll leave me to live out the rest of my existence as I deserve, exiled and alone.

_Music: Cough Syrup by Young Giants_


	3. Chapter 2

Peeta's just finishing an illustration for our Memories Book. Each page has stories and pictures that help us remember the people whose lives were stolen by the Capitol. It's been a sort of therapy for us, Haymitch included, although he left early tonight muttering something about needing a drink. Tonight we added Madge Undersee to the pages. I wrote down each memory I could muster until there was nothing left, and then as usual Peeta began the illustration. His drawings are nothing short of amazing. He captures every detail, the crease in her brow as she smiled and the way her thin blond hair fell just past her shoulder blades. Whenever Peeta is drawing or painting it's as if he enters another world. It's moments like these that I allow myself to study his face. I find myself unknowingly staring at is full mouth and blond eyelashes.

Peeta finally finishes the drawing and looks up at me

"It's wonderful Peeta. Really, you're so talented." I tell him in a faint whisper.

"Thanks." He responds.

There's a weird tension to his voice and as I look down I see I've unknowingly placed my hand over his. We've barely spoken in the months since he's returned and never touch .I don't know if the tension is coming because he's afraid of how I will react or if he's afraid he might revert to the mutt like version of himself that the capitol created. I quickly remove my hand once I realize my mistake.

"I'm tired and I have a headache." I instinctively respond.

Peeta usually takes my hint and leaves however today he lingers on .

"Why don't you go lay down and I'll get you some medicine?"he asks.

I don't have the energy to fight it .I really do feel exhausted. So I head up stairs to lay down and listen to Peeta open and shut cupboard downstairs.

He finally comes to my bedroom and lightly taps on the door. I tell him to come in and he sets a glass of water and some white pills down on my nightstand .It feels odd having him in my room. I don't want to admit it but I really want him to stay. Before he can see the longing in my face I roll over turning my back to him.

"Good night Katniss." He says closing the door behind him.

I listen as he walks down the stairs and lets himself out. Once I know he can't hear me I whisper

"Good night Peeta."


	4. Chapter 3

I wake up this morning feeling actually rested. I think I only had one nightmare last night rather than the usual three or four. I rise out of bed and open the window to let in the summer breeze. It's such a beautiful day, I race to my closet get dressed and grab my bow. As I go down the stairs I see Greasy Sae is there cleaning and making toast.

"I'm going to go hunting." I say in a short empty voice.

She nods her head and mentions something about looking forward to fresh game. I start on my walk to the woods and as I pass the rest of houses in Victor's Village I notice Peeta's up watering the plants in his front yard. I'm not sure what possesses me to say it but I yell over to him.

"Do you want to learn how to hunt?" my face void of expression.

I see the shock and confusion on his face but he agrees to come with me. I give him my bow to use I will use the extra one I have hidden in the woods. I take him just past the gate into a section of the forest with tall grass and sturdy trees. He's definitely new at this and I find myself almost smirking after he makes a few feeble attempts at shooting.

"Are you making fun of me? What kind of a teacher are you anyway." He says jokingly.

"Not a very good one apparently. Here you're holding it wrong." I tell him.

I get behind him and guide his hands to where they should be placed. My chin is resting on his shoulder so I can help him position his arms correctly and my arm is placed over his. We're so close now and I can feel my breath reflecting off his neck. Peeta notices how quiet I am and turns his face so it's inches away from mine.

"What do I do now?" His voice is low and tentative.

"I don't know. "I manage to choke out.

It's as if it happens in slow motion. Peeta places his mouth gently on mine and drops the bow to the ground. I freeze up. The hole inside my heart starts to aches .I want to kiss him back .I want so badly to touch him but the ache remind me of what happens when I let someone in.

"Peeta, I can't." I blurt out. My voice is filled with longing and terror.

The only thing I can think to do is run. I take off and leave Peeta in the woods .I don't even know how he'll get home all I can think about is how to flee the terrible panic that is chasing after me not wanting to let me go.

I find my way to the basement of a vacant house in Victor's Village. The same basement I hid in when I learned about the Quarter Quell. I stay down there for quite some time until my solitude is interrupted by the familiar slurred speech pattern of Haymith Abernathy.

"You're being a little melodramatic don't you think?" he yells down to me through the open window.

"Go to hell Haymitch!" I snap. I'm not in the mood for his crap, not now.

"Touchy, touchy." He replies and proceeds to climb through the window of the basement with great difficulty, cursing with each move he makes.

"Peeta feels awful you know. He's already come to me whining about it. You shouldn't run off like that. We were ready to send a search party out for you."

Oh god .I could see it now, Plutarch would have it televised "Girl on Fire GONE". The thought makes me cringe.

"Don't ever do that. "I say demandingly.

"Then don't disappear."

"Fine. Sorry, it won't happen again. "I help him out of the basement and then climb out myself. We walk back to our houses and I see Peeta is waiting for me on my front steps.

"Katniss I'm sorry I was out of line. I just thought… you seemed like you wanted me to."

I sigh because I did want him to but I can't tell him that. It will only encourage him and although it's hard I know what I need to do.

"Peeta. This can't happen. We can't happen. I hurts too much." This is so hard for me but I need to say it. He looks like I socked him in the stomach and I feel like holding him but I know that's not an option.

"I do care about you Peeta and I want you in my life but … I need space. I need to be alone."

There's a long pause and then Peeta looks at me honestly.

"I get it .I understand. " He stands up to leave and right before he goes he looks at me and says, "Katniss take care of yourself okay."

"Okay." I agree.

And then he's gone. I quickly run in the house before anyone can see me cry.

_Music: Islands by Young Giants_


	5. Chapter 4

Throughout the next year I busy myself with hunting. The woods are like medicine for me sucking away the pain I feel. It's gotten easier to go about daily life .The ache is still there but it has lessened. I run into Peeta every now and then but overall he seems to have completely gotten over any emotions he had about "us".He's always friendly and he gives me the occasional wave as he passes by here or there.

I tried not to notice but since I've been out of the picture he's been Mr. Popularity. Not only does everyone in town greet him as he walks down the street but he seems to be constantly surrounded by girls. Earlier this week as I left the General Store with Sae, he was surrounded by four girls as he retold a story that they were enthralled to hear. One of the girls Paisley Pruit, a buxom redhead with perfectly manicure makeup and hair, found it particularly hilarious. You could hear her giggling from across town. I looked back to see her twirling her fingers around Peeta's hair and I quickly looked away. I didn't realize it but my face had formed a scowl.

"Somethin' wrong?" Greasy Sae asks me masking a laugh behind her voice.

"No, but thanks for the concern." I reply drily.

"If you ask me you're a fool. That boy is charming and not too bad on the eyes either."

"Well good thing I didn't ask you then." She laughing out loud now and I roll my eyes as we part ways in the middle of town.

Once she's gone I'm left to my own thoughts. I don't want to think about Peeta so I busy myself with mindless things like, _I need to cut my nails_ or _Has that tree grown since I last passed it?_ As much as I try he's still there in the back of my mind.

As I pass Haymitch's house I notice he's outside feeding a gaggle of geese.

"New hobby? How adorable. "I comment sarcastically .

"Watch it Sweetheart .I'll unleash them on you, they're nasty creatures."

"I'm terrified." I laugh it off and go into the house.

Its mornings like these that let me know I'm starting to heal. I'm able to do the mundane activities that use to send me into hiding. I can walk into public and make eye contact with passersby. I know it seems trivial but it's a milestone to me.

One morning as I'm sitting on the swing in the back yard drinking my morning tea and petting buttercup with my foot, I hear the phone ring.

"Hello?"I answer.

"Hello sweetie happy birthday." It's my mother. I'd know her solemn voice anywhere. Apparently I have completely lost track of the days because I had completely forgotten it was my birthday. How can it be May already?

"Hey Mom. Would you believe that I forgot?" I reply.

"Yes I would. How are you doing? You're officially 19 years old .Any grey hairs?"

We talk for a while .She's been working at the hospital in District 4 and is finding the work very fulfilling. We chat endlessly about the weather and the Districts rebuilding.

"I've actually been meaning to talk to you about that Katniss." My mom lingers as though she wants to ask me something.

"Okay… and…."

"Plutarch contacted me recently. They're going to be having an Independence Gala to commemorate the fall of the Capitol .Let everyone see the fresh start we've all been given."

"And this involves me how?" If it has anything to do with Plutarch I know I want no part of it.

"He wants to have the gala in District 12 and he wants you to be an honored guest."

"What? No way will mom .It be a circus I hate…"

"Katniss I would never ask but he said he will donate half the proceeds to the rebuilding of District 4's hospital ….. and they'll name it Primrose Memorial."

Damn it .How can I say no to that. The man is crafty as a fox. He knows exactly how to get what he wants. I reluctantly agree to the stupid gala and I'm filled with a feeling of dread. Happy Birthday to me.


	6. Chapter 5

Before I know it the Gala is here. My old prep team has been sent to make me look presentable. I should be happy to see them , but seeing their faces only remind me of all of the terrible events that I endured because of the Capitol. After the usual gasps of horror at my lack of beauty maintenance they get right to work in their usual flurry of tweezers, powders and polishes. Before I know it I'm shiny from head to toe .I'm wearing a short royal blue cocktail dress and strappy heels that pinch my feet. The prep team has woven my hair into intricate twist and curls. I hardly resemble myself at all.

"Let's get this over with. "I huff as we enter the car they traveled here in.

The drive is a short one, thank god because their endless chatter is making my head pound.

"So I hear Peeta's making a speech tonight?" Flavius asks pryingly.

"Really, first I've heard about it." I'm short with my answer to let them know that that subject is definitely off limits. I was so busy worrying about the cameras that I didn't even think about Peeta. Of course he'd be here. This is the first event we're attending that we're not walking in arm and arm and I'm sure the press will be all too aware of the change. Oh God I really hope he doesn't bring a date. Just as I'm about to tell the driver to turn around and take me home, we're there.

I brace myself as we exit the car. All I can see is the flashing lights of the cameras. I feel overwhelmed and want to run away. Just then I'm scooped up into Plutarch's plastic embrace. He's kissing me on each cheek and posing with me from camera to camera. We make it through the crowd and into the hall where the ceremonies are being held. It's been decorated with twinkling lights and royal blue fabric that matches my dress perfectly. In-between handshakes and photo ops I look across the room and see Peeta laughing it up with a group of admirers. His eyes meet mine and he hold my gaze for what seems like an eternity. God I miss him.

Soon I'm whisked to a stage where I'm asked to place medals on the necks of brave rebel soldiers. It dawns on me that I narrowly escaped a reunion with Gale Hawthorne. He has become quite the war hero since the fall of the Capitol. Everyone knows what an integral part he played at taking down President Snow. He has made some appearances on TV and I've seen his face on countless magazine covers. A reunion with him would definitely be bitter sweet. At this moment seeing Gale again would actually be more bitter. I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgive him for the part he played in Prim's death even if it wasn't his fault knowingly. After the awarding of medals Peeta gets up and makes a very touching speech about hope and unity. There's not a dry eye in the crowd .I find myself looking away as he speaks because I'm afraid my true feelings will register on my face and that's all I need.

Once the ceremony is done the real fun begins. There's dancing and drinking. Laughter fills the room and all I can think of is I don't belong here .I quietly sneak away as soon as I have an opportunity. I take off the torturous heels that were squeezing my feet and I walk home.

Victor's Village seems like a ghost town . I can hear the faint booming of music coming from the Gala but other than that the loudest noises are the chirping of crickets.I am filled with a feeling of solitude that I embrace as I walk up my driveway and onto my porch. I notice how filthy my feet are from walking home barefoot so I rinse them off with the garden hose. The evening is warm and the cool water is actually very refreshing. When I get to my doorstep I see a large gift basket . The card in it reads _Don't be a Stranger. x Plutarch. _In the basket is a huge bottle of wine that I quickly open and start to sip tentatively. I don't usually make a habit of drinking however tonight my mind is racing and I look forward to muffling it .It's such a beautiful night that I decide to sit on my front step and get comfortable.I loosen my hair out of the twist and turns made by my prep team leaving my it in a tousled mess.I'm able to drink in silence for a while before my solitude is interrupted by a car driving up and stopping down the street. I watch as Peeta gets out propping up a drunken Haymitch. His weight seems to be crushing Peeta. I should offer to help but before I get the courage to open my mouth he's gone. I decide on drowning my regrets with another gulp of wine.


	7. Chapter 6

I'm feeling warm and my head is cloudy. This wine is much better than Haymitch's white liquor that burned a hole in my abdomen before the Quarter Quell. Still, I sip it with caution straddling the line between a buzz and a drunken stupor. When I look up from the bottle I see Peeta's done caring for Haymitch and is watching me from the empty street of Victor's Village .I don't know if it's the alcohol but I allow myself to stare at him. I can't read his expression but I can remember all too well the reaction he had the last time I drank. I immediately snap at him very defensively

"Look I'm not in the mood for a lecture I'm a grown…."

But before I can finish my sentence he plops down next to me grabbing the bottle from my hand and begins guzzling the wine.

"What? It's been a rough day." He replies all too innocently and takes a seat next to me on my front porch. We both begin to laugh together for the first time since...… I don't even know the last time we laughed together, but it felt good, makes me feel almost normal.

I don't know how long we sit there in silence with a friendly space between us. Long enough to finish off the bottle of wine .We lie down on the porch and stare at the stars. The night is so still and warm. The fireflies are buzzing and I can see their twinkling in the distance. It's actually quite peaceful. My thoughts begin to stray &I start to wonder what might have happened to me if there were no Capitol, no games. Would I have still ended up so numb and vacant? Dr. Aurelius says I feel so empty from all of the loss I've experienced in my life .He says it's a natural part of grieving and it will pass .He says I will heal. But what if he's wrong? What if I'm just naturally cold as stone? What if my happiest days died along with Prim and my father? All of these "What ifs" torment me and make me want another drink.

Soon my thoughts are interrupted by the high pitch giggling of Paisley Perkins and her flock of chattering friends. They must be leaving the gala. I immediately tense up and find my hands have formed into fists.

"Peeta Mellark is that you over there? "She says in her usual fake sickening sweet tone.

"Hey ladies." Peeta's answer is a little too flirtatious for my liking. He can't actually like that fake flirty crap can he?

"I was wondering where you went. You promised me a dance, now you're going to have to make it up to me." She sticks her lower lip out into a pout .I can feel my eyes rolling in disgust.

Suddenly I'm overcome with annoyance and anger and what is the other feeling, jealousy? Why, I wrote off anything between Peeta and I long ago. But if that was true why do I feel like screaming at the thought of him "making" anything up to this shallow annoying slut!

"You've got to be kidding me!" I say.

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now but I know I cannot stomach Peeta flirting with this idiot. I quickly stand up to flee the situation. I immediately feel a wave of dizziness that I can only assume is linked with drinking a half bottle of wine. Storming into my house and throw down my shoes in a huff knocking over a lamp in the process. I attempt to stomp up the stairs but I end up tripping instead and decide to sit on the steps until I regain my balance. My face is hot and I feel infuriated. Peeta must have heard all of the commotion inside because he soon comes in the house slamming the door as he enters.

"Don't you knock? "I tell him cuttingly.

"What the hell is your problem?" He's yelling at me .He never yells at me.

"What are you talking about .I don't have a problem."

"Really? Because you sure as hell aren't acting like it. Are you jealous?"

"What? No." I reply.

"Then what is it? One minute you're ignoring me the next you're my drinking buddy. I've tried comforting you, loving you, giving you your space .Do you know how hard it is for me to walk away from you when all I want to do is hold you and tell you everything will be okay?" He's yelling but there's a hurt in his voice.

"Well you seem like you're doing a pretty good job to me." I mumble under my breath.

"No! You don't get to be A BITCH .You wanted this Katniss not me .You wanted distance. You wanted to be alone remember." His yelling puts me on the defense and I want to scream back but as I listen to his words I realize he's right. I've been pushing him away for so long that I never really stopped to think about him actually moving on. He's always been there supporting me, caring for me, loving me. This is the first time he has done what I was asking. He's trying to move on and I'm too selfish to let him.

"Peeta…" I try to get out words but nothing comes out but a whisper.

"What!" He yells in frustration. His blue eyes have a mixture of confusion, worry, and frustration. His hair is disheveled from lying on the porch and sometime during the night of drinking he loosened his tie so it is hanging loosely around his collar. He looks vulnerable and beautiful and all I can think of is how I could have let this amazing man walk away.

"Just tell me what you want." he begs "Do you want me to leave you alone? "

"No." I quickly reply.

"Do you want to just be friends?"

"No….I don't know."

"Damn it Katniss!" He runs he hands through his hair in desperate frustration. As I stare at him like this I immediately know what I want. Before he can untangle his hand from his hair I stand up and grab his face pressing my lips to his. He responds right on queue kissing me back matching my force .He grabs at the hair at the nape of my neck forcing my mouth to fall open as I take a sharp breathe .I begin tasting his tongue with mine. I'm sucking on his lower lip feeling his hot breath on me. Soon Peeta's moved from my mouth to my neck then back up to my chin. Our hands grab at one another's bodies as if to make sure what is happening is real and not a hallucination. I don't know when it happened but Peeta's shirts on the living room floor, my dress is unzipped and it's barely hangs around my waist .Peeta's got me pinned up against the wall, my legs are wrapped around his torso . I'm making noises I didn't even know I could make. It's as if I'm purring at times and this seems to drive him crazy. Then all of a sudden he abruptly lifts his head away from mine & and stares at me attempting to catch his breath. I can tell he is trying to assess the situation.

"Katniss." he pants out of breath "We can't we're drunk and…."

I interrupt his words with a kiss .I don't want to be responsible right now or think logically.

"Katniss." He stops me again. His voice is low and raspy.

I look him in the eyes and hold onto his neck. "Peeta you asked me what I want .This is it .I want you , right now. I want all of you .That's not the wine it's what I want .It's what I've always wanted I was just too stupid to see it."

He must believe me or want this too badly to resist because he carries me to the couch and peels the rest of my clothes off. His mouth trails from mine and find my breast. He places his perfect mouth delicately over my nipple and lightly sucks .I let out a low moan "mmmmm…..". He likes this and begins exploring my body with his hands and his tongue. How can he be so gentle and forceful at the same time? I'm feeling wetness between my thighs that is new to me. All I can think is that I need Peeta as close to me as I can get. I want him inside of me I want to feel every inch of his body.

It's as if he reads my mind because I suddenly feel the immense pressure of him penetrate me and I let out a loud noise between a cry and a moan. Peeta pauses and looks at me with concern.

"Don't stop, please keep going don't stop" I pant desperately.

Peeta obeys and slowly continues thrusting into me. I can feel tears streaming down my face but I realize it's because I haven't truly felt anything in so long. Although it hurts he feels so safe and strong. We're moving together now; Peeta has one hand on my hip guiding each thrust so we move smoothly and synchronized. His other hand is caressing my face as he kisses me passionately. I ache from the fullness inside of me but it's an ache that I don't want to stop.

I now know that there is more to me than the cold stone that I thought was inside. I can feel! I'm feeling so much pleasure matched with pain. It makes me aware that I'm loved, alive, and my body wants more.

The rest of what happens is a fog .There's moaning & screaming and then it end as abruptly as it began. I lay on the couch trying to catch my breath. Peeta kisses my forehead softly and stares at my face in disbelief. I smile and close my eyes. I don't mean to but I begin to doze off and somewhere between sleep and wake I think to myself "I love you Peeta Mellark". It's the first time I've admitted it .I definitely don't have the courage to say it out loud definitely not to him, not yet anyway.

_Music: Anna Sun by Walk the Moon and Madness by Muse_


	8. Chapter 7

When I open my eyes I'm lying in my bed up stairs. I have this unfamiliar feeling of happiness .I'm actually smiling and I like it. I can't believe it finally happened. After all these years of everyone thinking Peeta and I were sleeping together it was finally a reality and I was elated. Then I suddenly have a sinking realization. I think I dreamed the whole thing. That would explain the fog that surrounds my memories of last night. The whole scenario was too fantastic to be real. I would never have been that bold and honest and Peeta would of never have let that happen .Not with all the alcohol we consumed, he's too noble.

As I rise to get up and get medicine for the pounding headache I can only attest to the wine I drank, I notice a note on my night stand.

_Hope you slept well. We need to talk about last night. Love, Peeta._

My eyes widen in shock. There it is in black and white. It is a definite reminder that last night was no dream. Then I look down and notice I'm completely naked which causes my cheeks to flush in embarrassment. Peeta must have carried me upstairs after I passed out. How he managed is beyond me given he had more to drink than I did. My smile has faded and all of a sudden I feel panic. The evening's liquid courage has most definitely has subsided.

Peeta wants to talk, oh God I'm terrible at talks. I always end up offending someone with my stone cold expression or my bluntness. What does he want to talk about? Here comes the "What ifs" creeping up on me like an uninvited guest. What if he's regretting what happened. What if as I bad? What am I thinking of course I was bad .As I replay the situation in my head I see myself as a desperate, forward, basket case that ended up crying and then passed out. I'm mortified and hide my face in the pillow racked with embarrassment .It is evident that I can't talk to Peeta right now. I need to get away and figure out what my next move is going to be. I honestly have no clue how this conversation is going to go and I'm not ready to have it. Maybe once the pounding in my head subsides I will gain some clarity on the situation.

I quickly bathe and get dressed. I decide to head to the woods, the only place I can truly clear my mind. I'm careful to take a route that avoids any places Peeta frequents just in case. The sun is just beginning to rise and most everyone in District 12 is still sleeping. This is my favorite time of day. There's a calm and serenity to everything .The day is filled with possibilities and I can allow myself to get lost in the rustle of the leaves or the whistle of a near by bird. I don't bother bringing my bow; I know I can't concentrate on hunting right now , so I just walk aimlessly. Once in the woods I climb a nearby tree with sturdy branches and perch myself there like the mockingjay I've become associated with.

I have a view of all that is around me. With the Spring came a menagerie of wild life .I watch the butterflies flutter around a milkweed bush and the squirrels chase one another throughout the brush as if playing a game of tag. I close my eyes and listen to the sounds that fill the woods and calm myself with its simplicity. I was right to come here, all my panic has washed away and I can almost forget the inevitable conversation I need to have with Peeta.

Suddenly I hear a loud crunching of branches on the ground below me. Whatever is approaching it is big and I'm grateful I'm in my tree. I haven't ever seen a bear in these parts of the woods but I have seen a few wild cats that could do some damage if they were motivated. Crap, why didn't I bring my bow? If whatever it is can climb a tree I'm screwed. My heart is pounding and I can't make up my mind whether to run or stay put. I ultimately decide on the latter. I close my eyes and hold my breath waiting to see if I will go unnoticed and hoping that whatever it is will pass me by.

"Are you hiding from me?" I almost fall from the tree as I startle and gasp loudly from. As I open my eyes I see Peeta is staring up at me. How did he find me, he doesn't know these woods. I couldn't even tell you where I was being that I wandered here myself .I look around me and see that unknowingly I walked to the very spot I brought Peeta to almost two years ago .The spot where he kissed me and I fled. I guess I was thinking about him more than I realized on my walk this morning.

"More like avoiding you or what you have to say." There's that uncomfortable bluntness I'm known for. "You scared the hell out of me you know." He smiles and shakes his head.

"Are you going to come down or do I need to come up there?" he yells up to me.

"You wouldn't." I say skeptically.

"Try me." he looks pretty determined and I can only imagine the spectacle of Peeta attempting to climb a tree. I decide to spare both of us the embarrassment and come down. Once I've reached the ground he sits down on a nearby stone and makes a gesture with his hand inviting me to sit. It's as if we're at a dinner party and he's pulling out my chair.

"Thanks for coming down. I really didn't want to climb that thing." He begins laughing and it helps me to relax. Peeta has a way about him that makes everyone around him comfortable and at ease. It's why everyone loves his interviews and speeches so much .He's so genuine and there's a kindness in his crystal blues eyes that makes you trust every word that comes from his mouth. I find myself staring at those eyes and I quickly look away because they bring back memories of last night and I can feel my face reddening.

"Katniss…" there's a long pause.

_Just say it and get is over with Peeta_. I think to myself. _Last night was a mistake Katniss, You're too needy and emotional .It's not you it's me…_.I take a deep breath and brace myself for what's to come.

"Would you look at me?" he says softly .Then he grabs my chin and gently turns it so I'm staring at him.

"There, that's not so bad is it?" he whispers gently.

"It depends on what you have to say." And I can feel my eyes welling up. He takes me into his arm and holds me and then continues.

"I was going say I'm sorry." His voice is riddled with guilt.

"What? " I raise my head abruptly to look at him confused.

"I should have never … you were drunk and I wasn't thinking clearly I just... I've wanted that for so long and it felt so amazing. I guess I didn't want to pass up the chance, it was so selfish me."

"Peeta stop…" I keep trying to talk but he's not done with his self-flogging.

"If I ask you something do you promise to be honest with me?" he asks.

I shake my head silently in agreement.

"Was that your first time?" I don't know why he asks this question because I can tell by his expression that he doesn't want to hear the answer.

I hesitate out of embarrassment, "Yes."

"Oh God, now I really feel like an asshole." He's covering his face with his hand and his next words are muffled "That is not what your first time should have been like. It should have been… I don't know, not that. I'm so sorry."

I keep trying to get his attention but he's not listening to me .I get off my stone seating and kneel down in front of him calling his name softly. When he doesn't look at me I wedge myself in between his knees and pry open his hands. His cheeks are damp from crying and he won't make eye contact with me. This conversation did not pan out the way I thought.

"Peeta, you need to look at me." I say sternly.

He takes a deep breath and moves his eyes to look at mine.

"I'm a grown woman who is capable of making my own decision, alcohol induced or not. " He tries to interrupt but I cover his mouth with my hand. "Last night was ….incredible. I haven't felt anything good in so long. I had myself convinced that I was dead inside but after we … well you know, I felt alive and happy, I actually woke up smiling."

"You're just trying to make me feel better." He says but I can tell he believes me.

"I wouldn't do that .You're the nice one not me remember. " say jokingly.

He laughs and wraps his arms around my waist resting his forehead on mine.

"Besides, please explain how you took advantage of me? Last I checked I initiated our… activities. You just finished it. Very well might I add." He looks at me shocked probably because I'm being so blunt.

"Activities? Is that we're calling it?" he's smiling now and that awkwardness that between us before is gone. I'm glad we had this talk. I should have known to trust Peeta's instinct. He always has my best interest in mind. It's as if he knows what I need before I know myself. I rest my head on his shoulder and allow him to play with my hair.

"I love you Katniss. You don't have to say it back, just know I do." I want to respond but I can't I'm not ready yet. We sit like this for a while. My head is on his shoulder. One of his hands is on my waist and the other is playing with my hair.

"What now?" I ask.

"I don't know. Honestly, I think we should take it slow. It kills me to say that especially now that I know what you're capable of. " I instinctively pinch his arm out of embarrassment.

"No seriously, Katniss. If we're going to do this I don't want to screw it up by rushing. You need to really want me to…"

I raise my head and stare at him in annoyance,

"I do want you, I thought I made that clear." do I need to paint this guy a picture?

"That's not what I meant." He says laughing, "I was going to say, you need to really want me to... be a part of your life. I don't want it to feel forced like before. If we're going to be together let's take it one step at a time like normal people. If it's meant to be it will happen naturally and if not we'll know we tried."

"Normal people hmmm? That never dawned on me, normal is not what I usually do but I can see what you mean." I reply.

Our faces are so close and I can feel his breath on my skin. Now that I've agreed to take it slow I want him even more.

"Can I kiss you." he whispers to me

"I don't know is that what normal people do?" I whisper back teasingly.

"I'm going to say yes." And with that he presses his lips to mine. He kisses me softly. I love the way his lips feel and I start to melt into him grabbing his hair in my hands. My heart just begins to start racing when Peeta pulls away smirking at me.

"Slowly… remember." he whispers to me.

I sigh with frustration. "Peeta." I mumble.

"Yes."

"I don't think I like normal." We both smile. He stands offering me help up. As we walk back to town hand in hand. All I can think of is this feels right and I can't wait to see how it pans out.

_Music:Demons by Imagine Dragons_


	9. Chapter 8

Peeta walks me to my front porch and gives me a quick kiss goodbye on the cheek. I can see Haymitch in his front yard throwing feed on the ground to the new pets he acquired.

I can feel his pair of prying eyes burning a hole in my skull. As soon as Peeta is out of ears shot Haymitch yells to me.

"What the hell was that?"

"None of your damn business feed your ducks." I yell back.

"Geese! They're geese, and you're not getting out of answering that question Sweetheart."

I wave at him dismissively and I enter my house locking the door behind me. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm filled with a million bubbles and they're all ready to burst. I start to clean the house and then decide to make myself some food and turn on the TV. I usually never use the thing but my mom mentioned that her hospital's grand opening was going to be televised on the evening news so I thought I might catch a glimpse of her. I miss my mom, surprisingly so considering I distanced myself from her for so long.

Instead of the news I catch the tail end of a gossip show produced by Plutarch. A woman with glowing green hair narrates a series of video clips from last night's Independence Gala. They show Peeta's speech along with some unflattering photos of me looking distant and stern .Everyone else looks so happy including Haymitch who attempts to stage dive into a crowd of unsuspecting guest and then passes out cold on the dance floor. So that's how Peeta ended up babysitting him last night. Thank you Haymitch, I think to myself. The reporter interrupts my thoughts.

"Heartthrob Peeta Mellark and Girl on Fire Katniss Everdeen seemed very distant last night. It seems like the sparks between the Star Crossed Lovers is fizzling but don't you worry about our favorite baker Panem. He seemed to have his hands full with a new lady love."

A picture of Paisley flirtatiously playing with Petta's tie flashes on the screen and I feel a sudden flush of anger. I quickly turn off the TV and walk to the phone. I dial Peeta's number and he picks up immediately.

"Hello." Peeta answers.

"I have a request, no a demand. If we're going to do…whatever it is we're doing."

"Okay." He says tentatively.

"I don't want Paisley anywhere near you."

Peeta's laughing at me. "You were watching TV weren't you. Katniss you should know better."

"I know, but that doesn't change the fact that I can't stand that annoying, slutty…"

"Whoa killer! Okay I promise no Paisley….What about her friends?" He's messing with me now and I only find it mildly funny.

"I'm hanging up on you ."

"Kidding. I'm kidding you know that right?" he laughs.

"Good bye." I hang up the phone. I was going to call back and let him know I'm not mad but the thought of letting him squirm a little appeals to me more.

Over the next couple of months I busy myself with getting my life in order .I didn't realize how much I had let it go of things. I had piles of mail to sort through; weeds to pull in the garden, and the Memories book hadn't been written in since we wrote about Madge. I spend time with Peeta once a week. I keep asking him to stay the night after dinner or walks or whatever meaningless task it is we come up with to spend time together but he is sticking to the "normal" courtship rules he has in his head and it's driving me crazy.

As I'm sorting through my mail I open a letter stating that Dr. Aurelius has been relieved of his duties as my court mandated psychiatrist. I guess someone discovered his tendency to sleep on the job and put a minimal effort into his work. I'm getting a new head doctor Dr. Soie, she's a woman and we will be having face to face counseling sessions. I cannot understand why any doctor would agree to travel all the way to district 12 and meet with me meet once a month. This means no more 5 minute phone conversations .I'll actually have to bear my soul to a person who's sitting in the same room. The thought makes me anxious and miserable.

"I hate strangers." I tell Peeta over the phone.

"You never know maybe you'll like her. At least give her a chance before you decide you despise her."

I know he's right but I'm still not happy about the situation. Given the meetings are court mandated I really don't have much of a choice. So when my appointment comes around I reluctantly walk to meet Dr. Soie at her office in town. As I walk through the streets I'm amazed at how much they've changed. I've been in such a depressed haze the last few years I didn't notice how different my home looked. The new shop fronts and street lights make everything look cleaner. The streets have been paved and there's no sign of the gray ash left over from the bombings. I can feel my spirits lift a little higher at the thought of a fresh start.

Soon I reach the office building and knock apprehensively. As Dr. Soie opens the door to the office I'm immediately set a back. Maybe it's the soft brown hair or her calm demeanor, no it's her eyes it's definitely her eyes. They're green with small specks of gold in them and you can see the kindness that lingers in the soul behind them. She's the spitting image of Cinna.


	10. Chapter 9

I stand staring at her face in a stunned silence. Other than the fact that she's a woman, she could be Cinna's twin. The last time I saw my stylist and friend he was being beaten by peacekeepers because of me. He was the calm in the storm that helped to get me through one of the most difficult parts of my life. A genius with fabric whose courage helped to create an image that sparked the rebellion. Cinna's life was much more meaningful than mine yet he was executed and I live. Why? I quickly realize I can't be there anymore and I have to go. I have to .Soie must sense my panic and she begins to speak calmly.

"Katniss, why don't you come in so we can talk."

I slowly enter her office in a dreamlike state and take a seat on the golden velvet couch next to the window.

"I'm sure you have a lot of questions for me."she continues calmly.

I don't know what to say. I have so much guilt and regret about my past and seeing her face makes it all come back at me tenfold. I'm on the brink of tears and I'm afraid if I speak it will open the flood gates.

"It seems as though you've already made the connection but…. Cinna was my brother .I'm sorry if this comes as a shock. I debated about telling you earlier but I didn't want to risk you not coming to meet with me."

I am shocked but now I understand why she's agreed to meet me instead of doing phone sessions. Dr. Soie has a strange calming effect on me and I feel like I could tell her anything.

"Katniss, if you feel overwhelmed or you don't feel comfortable speaking to me we can end this session early. I completely understand if you need some time. "

I imagine Cinna is sitting in front of me .I know it's not him logically but everything about this doctor allows me to suspend reality and imagine I'm talking to my old friend. I've always wanted to beg for Cinna's forgiveness. I want to tell him how much I miss him and that it should have been me who was executed not him. I want to say all of these things to him but he is dead and I will never get the chance. As these thoughts fill my head my body can no longer hold all of the emotion in and I crumple in a heap sobbing uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry , I'm so sorry". I sob "It's my fault. All of it is my fault…." She comes and takes a seat next to me holding my hand as I unleash four years of guilt and frustration on her. She's a very good listener. The Doctor gives me good feedback and assures me that what I'm feeling is normal.

"You do realize Katniss , that none of what occurred is really your fault. You might have been a catalyst however it was an inevitable occurrence that was brewing for quite some time. Cinna confided in me that there were rumblings of rebellion within the capitol for years. That is partially why Cinna left our home in District 8 when he was given the opportunity to become a stylist. "

Dr. Soie's words fill in a huge piece of my puzzle about Cinna.

"District 8… of course. I knew he didn't fit in with the rest of the sheep in the capitol." I manage to get out between my sobs.

What she says about the rumblings in the Capitol and Cinna having a plan, it helps me to relinquish some of the blame I feel. It's as if she lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel like I can breathe clear.

"Thank you." I whisper to her.

We talk way over our scheduled time. She asks me some technical question too. How many times a day do I eat , sleep, cry and Do I have nightmares regularly? I give her honest answers and am surprised to find I am in a much better place than I was only a few months ago.

"Are you having regular bowel movements and sexual desire?" she asks frankly.

"I …um… what?" I stumble over my words letting my embarrassment shine through.

What is it about doctors that allows them to ask the most embarrassing questions as if they're common place. _Lovely weather we're having isn't it? Oh and by the by how many times a day do you crap and think of sex?_

"I'm sorry Katniss, let me explain myself. Some of the medications for depression that you've been prescribed can inhibit sexual desire as well as cause constipation. I want to make sure you're getting the correct dosage and prescription."

"Oh, ok. Umm then I guess yes to both. I mean yes I have bowel movements and the other thing regularly" I feel like crawling into a hole. "In all honesty I haven't really been taking the medication .I don't like the way it makes me feel." She makes a note about this and tells me to use my better judgment .If I feel my depression worsening then we would revisit the medication issue.

I've never talked to anyone about my bathroom usage before but the thing I'm more embarrassed about is the second question. We never talked about sex in the Everdeen household and I never had any girl friends to discuss these things with .I watched the video in health class when I was in school so I know about the birds and the bees but I still have a lot of questions and I want to ask them so badly but I don't know how.

"Are you sexually active?" I think she senses my struggle and is trying to help me along.

"No, I mean not now. Only once about two months ago."

"Okay and did you use protection?"

"No. It was kind of unexpected…stupid I know but…"

"Have you had your menstral cycle since …."

I cut her off before she can say the word. I've had just about all of the embarrassment I can handle for one day "Yes I have."

"Well then you'll be happy to hear you can rule out pregnancy. Unless, you want to start a family."

"No. Absolutely not. The thought of having kids terrifies me. Plus Peeta wants us to take things slowly."

"It sounds like Peeta really cares about your well-being. However just in case you change your minds I can get you a prescription for a birth control pill. Better safe than sorry as they say." I agree and she writes the prescription and gives me a folder filled with informational pamphlets and such.

"Thank you Dr. Soie." I say as I turn to leave.

"Please call me Neli. Dr. Soie sounds too formal."

" Neli."I repeat to myself making sure I'm pronouncing it right.

"That's right. It's short for Cornielia and Katniss please don't hesitate to call me anytime. My numbers on a card in the folder I gave you."

"Thank you Neli. I'll see you in a month." With that I leave her behind and take in a deep sigh of relif.

As I walk home I can't help but feel that Cinna was watching over me today. Neli helped me more in a couple hours than Dr. Aurealis helped in two years of counseling. I feel like I have a new wonderful outlook on things and my first instinct is to share it with Peeta.

_Music: Wise Up by Aimee Mann_


	11. Chapter 10

When I get home I go to the phone to call Peeta and tell him about my visit with the Doctor. I let it ring and ring but he doesn't pick up. It's strange because I can see his lights are on in the house .I might be overreacting but I decide to walk over and make sure everything's okay.

I knock on the front door a few times but he still doesn't answer so I let myself into the back yard to see if he's back there. I realize I'm being a little forward but my natural instinct is to keep Peeta safe and right now I have a strange feeling like he needs me.

As I enter the back yard I can see into the kitchen window. I would have missed it if I didn't walk back there but I can barely make out Peeta lying on the kitchen floor out cold. I panic and try opening the back door but the damn thing is locked. I run down the street to Haymitch's house and pound on his door. Surprisingly he answer.

"What the hell are you…" but as soon as he see my face he stops "What's wrong?"

"It's Peeta he's out cold .I can't get in , help." I'm a bit hysterical but I start to calm as Haymitch grab a key off a hook on his wall and runs over to Peeta's house. Once the door is open we can see that Peeta is passed out like I thought and he has a large bruise on his forehead. He's breathing fine and starts to mumble. Haymitch carries Peeta upstairs, lays him down on his bed, and goes to call the doctor.

I get a frozen ball of dough from the freezer and I gently place it on his bruise .The coldness seems to startle him because his eyes pop open and he seems momentarily confused about his surroundings. "It's okay, Haymitch is calling the doctor you're going to be alright." Tears start streaming down my face . I'm the worse nurse ever.

"Come here."Peeta says opening his arms. I curl up with him on his bed laying my head on his chest. He keeps reassuring me that he's fine but I don't think I'll feel better until I hear it from a professional. When the doctor finally gets there he has to tell me to leave so he can check Peeta properly. I wait down stairs with Haymitch until the doctor comes downstairs.

"Well how is he?" Haymitch asks.

"He had another episode but this time he lost his footing and knocked his head on the sink . It caused him to lose consciousness. He has a mild concussion but he should be ok. It's important that someone stay with him tonight to monitor his behavior."

Haymitch looks at me and rolls his eyes, " I'm sure we won't have a problem finding someone for that job." I glare a him and then we both thank the doctor and I show him out .Haymitch takes off leaving me with Peeta.I go back upstairs and watch him sleep. He looks so peaceful and replay the conversation we had with Peeta's doctor in my head I realize that Haymitch seemed to already know about Peeta's "episodes" .Suddenly I realize Peeta and Haymitch have been keeping something from me.

Just then Peeta begins opening his eyes and looks at me questioningly. "Why haven't you gone home you look tired?"

"I'm not going anywhere. " I say.I don't waste anytime with my next question "What does the doctor mean when he says you had another episode?"

" Damn it why did he say that in front of you ?"he mutters under his breathe.

"Because he can see that I lov…. That I'm worried about you." Did he catch that slip up? I don't care at this point I want to know what's wrong because I'm starting to panic.

" Katniss calm down. Fine, since I was hijacked I occasionally have these episodes where I have random flashbacks of images they showed me in the Capitol. They cause me to shake some times and I get intense migraines. That's all, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry."

"Of course .Finding you passed out on your kitchen floor was much less worrisome. Thank you for sparing me." I'm being sarcastic and angry. I shouldn't be mad, he's in pain I need to be there for him and stop pouting.

"To be honest" he says, " I was a little afraid you would get scared and run off. I know I can control the episodes. I'm usually aware of when they're about to hit and if they get really bad I have a shot I can give myself." Once again he's worried about protecting me instead of his own wellbeing. His selflessness never seizes to amaze me.

" I could never be afraid of you. I trust you more than I trust myself." I answer and lean over and kiss him lightly on the lip being careful not to press on him too hard.

"My head is bruised Katniss not my body. Quit treating me like I'm going to break." He grabs my hips and moves me closer to him so our bodies are touching. "There that's better. Now what were you say earlier about lov… I mean worrying about me."

"Shut up!" I must be as red as a beet.I shake my head and kiss him hard on the mouth to keep him quiet.

"You've almost said it a million times .Why can't you just tell me?" Peeta looks me in the eyes and gets very serious. I'm afraid of the words that are going to come out of his mouth but I know it's time.

"Katniss? You love me real or not real?" We haven't played this game in a while. I remember the many times I thought I might be losing him and I think how complete he makes me feel.

"Real." I answer " I love you real." He pulls me on top of him and he kisses me like he never wants to let me go.

"Say it again." he pleads

" Are you serious."

"I'm suffering from a trama to the head. The least you could do is tell me you love me… again." he says sarcastically.

" I love you Peeta Mellark...I love your beautiful eyes and your strong arms .I love your lips and you kind heart. " I begin kissing each part I mentioned and then I move back to his mouth.

"mmm Again." he mumbles

"I …love… you." I tell him slowly and I place a kiss in between each word. As silly as it felt to verbalize these feeling I actually love to say them. I love watching his face light up each time it comes from my mouth and I intend on telling him as much as I possibly can.

Before I know it things between us start to heat up .I'm straddling him and we are kissing and grabbing at one another. My body seems to have a mind of its own. I start to rub against him slowly at first and then I pick up speed. Peeta's unhooked my bra and his hands have found their way up my shirt . He begins to tug at my breast playfully.

" Mmmmm have to stop…uuuh…. Your mmmmm…. concusion."I can barely get my sentence out. Peeta's not listening to me very well and to be honest I don't want him to. Then I remember the conversation I had earlier today with Neli about pregnancy and pills. That is finally what gives me the strength to pry myself off of Peeta.

I don't want him to over exert himself and I really don't want to get pregnant. He reluctantly complies and we lay together for a while. I tell him about my day and my meeting with Neli. He tells me about how one of Haymitch's geese started chasing Haymitch around the yard. Then he reenacts the look of terror on his face. I'm laughing so hard my eyes start to tear.

I soon realize this has been an emotionally draining day and I really want to sleep. Peeta gives me a t shirt to change into and insists he doesn't have any pants I'll fit in.

"Convenient." I answer skeptically, but I end up willingly falling asleep wearing his shirt and my underwear. As I close my eyes Peeta holds me close and I feel safe and happy. I'm filled with hope and I know my nightmares aren't going to come tonight.

_Music: Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran_


	12. Chapter 11

My screams wake me from sleep. This time I was back in the arena and Peeta was being repeatedly stung by trackerjackers leaving his body a lifeless mess. I was helpless to stop it as in all my nightmares. I ran to save him but the closer I come the further away he gets. The image of his grotesque body is still so fresh in mind that I feel like I'm going to be sick. My nightmares have worsened these past few weeks. I wake and I feel as though I'm being suffocated.

It has been four weeks since I told Peeta I loved him. I would have expected our relationship to get closer however I feel quite the opposite. I find myself avoiding his phone calls and visits. I think to myself _Do you really love him?_. I know in my heart the answer is a definite yes, but then why am I pushing him away? I bring up this area of concern with Neli in our next session.

"How did saying the words out loud feel?" Neli asks .

" Wonderful, at first."

"At first? " her face begs an explanation.

"It's just that ever since I said out loud I feel…..terrified."I take in a deep sigh at the realization that although I love Peeta my fears are a stronger emotion right now. It took saying it out loud to really push me over the edge.

"Why do you think you feel that way?"Neli responds

"I don't know" tears start streaming down my face. I'm uncovering something that doesn't really want to come out and it makes me feel helpless. "I guess it's because every time I let someone in, every time I love someone they go away. I can't lose him Neli .I'm not strong enough.I don't know what I would do if I lost him." I'm surprised at how upset I am. I have no control over the sobbing that leaves my body.

" Katniss, can I tell you something ?Not as your doctor but as your friend?" Her speckled eye lock in on me and I know I can trust her. I value what she has to say.

"Sure, lay it on me." I reply

" You can't live in the past .I know you've had terrible things happen to you but if you allow that to rule your life it will eat away at you until there's nothing left. This love you feel for Peeta, the love that felt so 'wonderful at first', it's real and it's happening right now. Does he make you happy?"

"Yea he really does."I admit

"Then why fight it? Cinna use to tell me something when I got overwhelmed or worried. He'd say Neli, let it go .There's no day but today."

"That's nice .I like that." I smile

"Good. I think you're ready to move forward with your life. This is the scariest part, taking the first steps."

"Thanks, Neli I really appreciate it .I think your right. I am ready to move on, but I'm scared."

"It's okay to be scared just don't let it keep you from living. Trust me it's why they pay me the big bucks ." She replies and we break out into a much needed laugh.

As I leave my appointment I decide to stop at the general store and get some necessities. On my way I pass a window front with a make shift sign in it, which reads.

_Coming Soon Mellark's Bakery_

Mellark's Bakery? Peeta hasn't said two words to me about opening a bakery. Why didn't he tell me? That's huge news , why wouldn't he share it with me? I feel a little sense of annoyance but mostly hurt. I 've been so distant lately I guess I can't really blame him.

Before I can get too worked up about the situation I see the general store ahead. I enter and begin picking up the items I need. Just as I'm reaching for the tooth paste I hear a group of girls talking in hushed voices in the next isle over. At first I ignore the conversation but then I hear Peeta's name and my ears perk to attention.

"Looks like I'm on a strictly bread diet from now on ladies. I'm going to be a regular at that place" One girl says in a playful tone

"I thought you were watching your figure?" another teases

"I'll make an exception if it means I get to watch that boy all covered in flour and kneading dough yummy."

_Slut_ I think to myself

"Well don't get your hopes up .It seems like he's been pretty hot and heavy with The Crazy, lately ." Another replies.

_The Crazy? Is that me? Just perfect._

"I don't care. If you had experienced what those hands were capable of you wouldn't care either. " This girl has no shame!

"Paisley !" the others giggle in unison

Paisley! ? I can feel my face reddening and my hands forming into fists. What's wrong with me? I'm really not the jealous type. But the fact that he even touched anyone else makes me want to scream. All I know is right now I feel like I'm going to rip the perfectly manicured hair from her head. Peeta's mine and she can't have him! Before I do something I regret I head for the door ready to walk home and cool down. Just then, as if on que I look over and see Peeta walk into the store with Haymitch. His entrance is followed by the sound of giggling .I don't know what comes over me but I throw down all of the items I was about to purchase and I walk straight up to Peeta .

"Katni…."he doesn't even get my name out of his mouth before I'm grabbing him by the collar and pressing his lips firmly to mine. He makes a few small noises as though he's attempting to talk but then he gives up and starts kissing me back with equal passion. I'm not sure how long we go on for but soon I hear someone loudly clearing their throat. When this doesn't work Haymitch stops trying to be polite and says

"Would you two like us to leave you alone?"

I slowly part my mouth from Peeta's, turn my head and stare down the group of girls gazing at us with their mouths open. Mine ! I think to myself. Then without saying a word I turn and leave the store.

I'm half way out of town before I hear his voice behind me.

"Do you mind telling me what that was all about?" He asks

"Did you Fuck her?"I blurt out angrily.

What the heck's wrong with me? I can't even say the word 'sex' to Neli in our meetings but I have no problem dropping an F bomb in the middle of town. I actually don't know why I even ask because I really don't want the answer. He looks at me with nervousness and shock.

"Katniss, we were barely speaking. You broke my heart ."

"That's not an answer." I reply sternly.

Just as Peeta starts to try and explain himself I cut him off "You know just forget it.I don't want to talk about it." I continue walking out of town and I can hear Peeta following me. At some point I break into a jog and he jogs after me.I start running and he I follows suit. I begin to think of what I just talked to Neli about. 'Stop running Katniss , let him in' I tell myself.

I slow down and turn to look at Peeta who is leaning on his knees catching his breath and looking up at me with concern.

"I'm sorry.I'm an idiot , I... I'm just… I'm scared ." I tell him in a timid and voice.

"Scared of what? Katniss, what happened with Paisely or anyone one else for that matter…"

"Anyone else? How many were there? Wait don't answer that. I'm not ready to know the answer to that" I hold my hand up as if this will stop the words from entering my ears.

He walks up to me slowly and wraps my arms around his waist.

"I'm scared because ... I love you so much and the thought of losing you is terrifying me." I'm crying now.

"Baby, I'm not going anywhere." He whispers to me wiping the tears from my cheeks. Then he leans in and gives me an endearing peck on the tip of my nose and then he moves to my mouth .His kiss is gentle and lets me know we're okay.

"Baby? Are we using pet names now?" I laugh teasingly

"I didn't even realize I said it, but sure why not I like calling you sweet names."

"I suppose I'll allow it then." I smirk "Do you want to come over tonight and hang out?" I don't realize I'm biting my lip until Peeta lightly tugs at it rubbing his thumb lightly over my bottom lip.

"Sure, sounds fun." He has a boyish grin on his face like a kid who just was given a lollipop. I know exactly what he's thinking about and I'm definitely on the same page.


	13. Chapter 12

We had a tradition in my family when I was young. Every spring my father and I would trespass into the woods and we would pick strawberries & dandelions. Then came my favorite part, as my father hunted he would let me go swimming in the lake. Swimming was something I loved. I could float weightlessly on my back and cool off while staring at the tree lined sky. This was a day that I looked forward to all year. I remember having to wait for the day to come. It was like my body was going to burst with excitement. My stomach would flutter and I couldn't focus on much of anything .I was so excited I didn't know what to do with myself.

As I get ready for Peeta to come over tonight I feel anticipation like I'm nine years old again and waiting to go into the woods in the Spring. It's silly I know, but I can't contain the grin on my face and I find myself acting clumsy and absent minded.

I put on a flowy light blue dress that buttons in the front . I decide to wear my hair out of its usual braid so it falls loosely around my face. Once I was ready I just sat there literally twiddling my thumbs. I didn't know how to pass the time. After a few minutes of twiddling the phone rings. I feel a pang of disappointment _That's Peeta. He's not coming _I think to myself_._

"Katniss it's Johanna!"a sarcastic tone greets me on the other end of the phone.

"Johanna! How are you, it's been so long?"

" Eh, okay I guess. I only have one melt down a day rather than two or three. What have you been up to?"She is being polite, which is very unlike Johanna and it catches me off guard.I also don't really know how to answer her question, _I'm waiting for Peeta to come over so I can defile him._

"Well… not much, at least nothing that's very interesting.I'll tell Peeta you called he's coming over soon. He'll be happy to hear from you."

"Ooooh I see."She says mockingly. There is the usual rough edge to her voice but she seems calmer now.

"What does that mean?" I laugh

"Are you two screwing?"

"You haven't change much have you Johanna ." She's cackling on the other side of the receiver when I hear the doorbell ring. I haven't talked to her in forever and I don't want to be rude but I don't want Peeta to wait outside either.I walk to the door with the receiver still attached to my ear and open it.

"OH." I sigh leaves my lungs involuntarily. Peeta looks gorgeous! He's wearing a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up showing off his strong forearms. The first few buttons are undone exposing his collar bone ever so slightly .It hangs on his body perfectly. My feelings must register on my face because Peeta gets a huge adorable grin.

"Katniss are you there ?" Johanna asks

"Oh… yeah sorry I'm here."I mouth to Peeta to come in .He gestures to the phone inquisitively.

_" It's Johanna" _I whisper covering the receiver. His eyes widen with surprise. We haven't heard from her in over a year.

" Hey Johanna." Peeta say loudly so she can hear. He comes behind me , wraps his arms around my waist and starts kissing my neck.I can hear Johanna talking about something but Peeta's kisses are making it really hard to focus.

"Katniss did you hear anything I just said."

"I'm sorry, I got distracted." I say sternly staring at Peeta giving him a look to knock it off. He stops and momentarily giggles to himself.

"I said I'm thinking of coming to District 12.I wanted to know if I could stay at your place."

"Of course you can stay here. When are thinking about visiting?"

"Probably next month."

"That's great .Peeta's opening a bakery maybe he can show it to you." I stare at Peeta as I say this. He understands this comment was more for him than Johanna. He gets that he never told me about the bakery and I'm probably mad.

"Yeah whatever. I just need to get out of here.I need a change before I loose my mind…again." We laugh this off and say our goodbyes hanging up the phone.

As soon as I hang up Peeta starts groveling

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I just … you were acting so weird and I didn't think you cared honestly."

"I'm not mad, I've been acting like a bitch lately. I totally get why you didn't tell me."

" You're not mad ?"I can tell he is skeptical about my answer.

"No, I even got this for you." I go to the kitchen I get the bottle of champagne I got to toast his new accomplishment.

"You're amazing." He starts to lean in to kiss me and I stop him

"Look! I even got us dinner." I'm very proud of myself for being so domestic, it's really not like me at all.

" _Got us? _I take it you didn't cook." he smiles

"No, I don't cook .I'll kill it , skin it even, but I'm not very good at cooking it."

"Thank you . For the food and champagne and the dress. Especially that dress" He stares at me with heavy lidded lustful eyes and sits down at the table. He's trying to make an effort to enjoy all the trouble I went to.I can see that eating is the last thing on his mind and I couldn't agree more.

"Peeta?"I say

"What's up" he answers raising his eyebrows in curiosity.

"I'm not really hungry."

"Oh thank God!" He says

We both quickly stand up and our bodies immediately wrap around one another. He's running his fingers through my hair and then moving his hand down my waist and over the sides of my thighs. I can feel the heat building between us and I can hardly stand the anticipation. I unbutton his shirt and run my fingers over his chest. Before I can go any further he stops my hand and looks me in the eyes.

"Katniss," he speaks in a low soft voice . " Are you sure you want this? I don't want to rush into anything. Not if you're not ready. Be honest, you won't hurt my feelings."

"You're so sweet. I most definitely want this, I'm a little nervous though. It's stupid I know. It's not our first time but I kind of feel like it is .Does that seem weird?" I'm looking down at my feet too embarrassed to look into his eyes. He lifts up my chin so I'm looking at his face.

"It's not weird at all .I feel the same way."

"Really?" I'm a little surprised.

"Really. It's not every day that you get to do something like this. I've been in love with you since I was five years old." He always knows just what to say to make me blush.

"No pressure though." I tease

"I just mean that I want to do this right .Last time was …wow…but I want it to mean more than that. I love you, I want you to feel special."

I love this man so much. He's giving and kind .Not to mention adorable and really hot.

"Come with me." I tell Peeta as I grab his hand and lead him up stairs to my room. It's dark with just enough moonlight for me to see his beautiful blue eyes and full mouth. I shut the door and begin unbuttoning my dress very slowly one button at a time. Making sure that my eyes stay trained on his. He takes my lead and undresses himself too. It's as if he's teasing me the way he slips off his pants and tosses them to the side. Before I realize it we are both holding on to one another wearing only our underwear. We stay that way for a while admiring one another's bodies and placing light kisses on each other's lips, necks, and shoulders. Suddenly, Peeta breaks the mood with an exasperated "Shit!"

"What's wrong?" I ask

"I left the condoms in my jacket downstairs." he throws his head back frustrated.

"It's okay." I grin " I've been on the pill for a little over a month. " I reply sheepishly. I hadn't told him I was taking birth control and I can tell he didn't expect it.

"Seriously! You are full of surprises Ms. Everdeen." He reaches down and swoops me into his arms .I let out a high pitch squeal from surprise. He lays me down on the bed and I think to myself _This is it .It's going to happen._

Our kissing has become really heated. He's unhooked my bra and his fingers are lightly tickling my breast. He is doing all the right things and they feel good but I find myself not responding like I would have thought. My shoulders are tense and I feel like my whole body is rigid.

"Are you okay? We can stop."Peeta asks me. I'm sure he senses my tension.

"I'm fine .I'm just nervous .Go slow okay."I don't want to stop but I am filled with anxiety.

"I think I can help but you have to trust me .Do you trust me?" he asks with a sexy smile on his face. Just his smile alone makes me weak.

"I trust you." I whisper. He has never steered me wrong before, I really don't think he'll start now. Peeta raises his body over mine and I can feel his hardness against my thigh. He puts his mouth to my ear and whispers

"Then close your eyes." My stomach fills with butterflies and I obey obediently. With my eyes closed it's as if the rest of my senses are heightened. Peeta 's kissing me everywhere and I tingle with each touch from his lips. He starts with my mouth and he trails kisses down my chin and my neck. He finally settles on my breast where he begins placing each one in his mouth and sucks gently. I moan underneath him and I can feel my nipples hardening. Once he's done there I can feel him move down the middle of my stomach until he has his mouth right over my panties. As I feel his warm breathe seeping through I gasp and abruptly open my eyes as I sit up.

"You said you trusted me." he says in a sexy voice, he continues to run his finger over the edge of my panties teasing me.

"I do Peeta but I've never…"

He doesn't wait for me to finish my sentence. He continues tugging playfully at my underwear. He raises his face to mine kissing my lips and begins talking to me in between each kiss.

" Baby , I would never do anything to hurt you. It will feel amazing if you just trust me and relax."

Before I know it my panties are on the floor and his fingers are circling my clit causing me to writhe with every touch. I've definitely relaxed .I can't even remember what I was nervous about .All I can think about is that Paisely was right .He is amazing with his hands.

"Katniss ." He says my name in a near growl. His face is dangerously close to my folds and I think I might explode . Before I can think of being scared or nervous Peeta's tongue is softly licking my most sensitive area. First slow and then fast.

"Peeta ,Oh God!" I moan digging my nails into the mattress.

He takes this as a sign to keep going ,only now he's slides his fingers inside of me while his tongue works on my throbbing outside. I don't think I can hold it together much longer .I'm panting and my body feels warm. I can't even explain what is happening right now but I feel like I'm about to lose all control. I'm grabbing onto his hair screaming his name. I watch his head slide up and down over my sex. He suddenly glances up at me and our stares meet .He looks so sexy and I know I can't hold on anymore. It starts with my body shaking and I feel goose bumps everywhere. Then I feel this intense wave of pleasure drowning my whole body. My back is arched and I don't even know what words or noises are coming from my mouth. I've never felt anything like it before. Once I finish I collapse in awe.

" Well?"Peeta comes up to my face brushing the hair out of my eyes. I can barely talk.

"Peeta I don't even know what to say….That was.."

"Amazing?" he laughs as he places a few heated kisses on my neck.

I nod my head and look at him .I find myself staring at his full lips and beautiful eyes. I love him more than I even realized. He understands what I need more than I understand myself. I can't wait anymore, I'm ready for the next step.

"Make love to me." I tell him as I stare into his eyes. He grins and starts kissing me slowly. We don't break eye contact. I'm afraid if I close my eyes I will open them and find it is all a dream. Peeta stares at me lovingly and grabs my hips . In one move he slides inside of me gently. We both let out a sigh of relief .Thanks to Peeta I am so wet that we have no problems getting started.

He's such a gentleman, everything in his eyes scream that he wants to go faster and deeper but he holds back for my sake. We move together like we're one person.

"Katniss, I love you.I love you so much." He keeps his gaze on my face as he thrusts into me and it is such a turn on. I feel my body getting warm and I think it's happening again. My legs start to shake and I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin.

"Peeta … don't stop, Oh God!" I can't contain myself. I can see he can't last another minute either and soon we are both climaxing together in one simultaneous moment of pure pleasure.

Once we've finished Peeta rolls over and lays next to me in stunned silence. He finally turns his head to find me staring at him.

"I want to do that every minute of every day for the rest of my life" I joke out of breath.

"Deal. Although we probably should make the occasional appearance in town or they'll send a search party to look for us." he teases and pulls me in closely. I rest my head on his chest and lightly run my fingers over his torso. This feels like it was meant to be. For the first time in a long while I feel complete.

"Peeta, will you stay with me tonight?" I ask contently as he plays with my hair.

"I was hoping you'd ask me that." he mumbles half asleep and completely spent.

"I love you Peeta Mellark ."

"I love you Katniss Everdeen." and we both drift off into a peaceful sleep.


	14. Chapter 13

I open my eyes to Peeta kissing my forehead. It's still dark but I can tell he already took a shower and is dressed.

"Hey you." He whispers

I smile and look around the room "Hey, What time is it?"

"Four, I have to go to the bakery, the construction crew will be there and I have to supervise."

"Now? Can't you stay a little longer?" I pull on his arms so he's forced to lay down next to me .I nuzzle my head into his neck and hold him tight.

"mmmmm… you smell good." I mumble half asleep.

"Ugh! You're not making this very easy." He groans.I'm kissing his neck now and he begins to squirm and whine." Katniss I have to go. I really don't want to but I have to go mmmm." The tail end of his sentence comes out in a sexy growl.

"Just a few minutes. They can wait for a few minutes." I breathe into his ear between nibbling and lightly kissing him.

Peeta jumps from the bed as if I'm a poisonous snake. "No! You're a bad influence. I'm leaving .I love you but I'm leaving. Go back to sleep." my lower lip forms a pout and I slowly adjust the comforter so one of my legs and hips are exposed. He pauses before shutting the door all the way with a conflicted look on his face.

"Damn it Katniss!" he moans .I get a huge grin as he comes back into bed and I begin to undo all of the preparation he took to get ready for the day. I definitely get my way and then some. Couch sex, sweet meaningful sex, now early morning sex. We are becoming pros at this if I do say so myself .I think what I love most about this new activity is that there are no negative memories attached to it. I can enjoy every piece of it without having a flash back or something sad that is linked to the action .There is very little in the world that I can say this about.

We finish and Peeta is still hovering over me catching his breath when I hear someone yelling in the distance. We both freeze like two kids who got caught in the cookie jar. At first I can't make out what the noise is but then it becomes clear that it's a cranky & sleep deprived Haymitch .I totally forgot Peeta sleeps with the window open .Haymitch lives so close he must have heard everything. We were not even attempting to be quiet. Yikes, I hide my face in embarrassment. Lord knows some of the words that just left my mouth.

"It's four in the morning! You two idiots are killing me!" He bellows.

Peeta mirrors my look of horror and yells out the window "Sorry Haymitch. We'll be quieter next time." I hear some low cursing and then the sound of a window slamming shut.

I slap Peeta on the arm for implying we will be doing this often and then we both break out into a hysterical fit of laughter.

By the time Peeta gets out of the house he's over an hour late. I tell him to send my apologies to the crew and he rolls his eyes before kissing me goodbye and shutting the door behind him. I find myself wide awake and decide to get ready and go out hunting. This is the best time of day to really see the woods at its finest .I pack a lunch and my gear before heading out .

Out of respect for the past victors and the sacrifices they made, President Paylor and her administrators agreed to uphold the past rewards given to Victors .This means I'm allowed to keep my house in Victor's Village & I'm given more than enough money to survive on and then some.I don't need to hunt just like Peeta doesn't need to open a bakery. We do it as a hobby , something to occupy ourselves.

I have been avoiding my usual route to the woods for some time now. Today I decide I feel strong enough to face some of the ghosts that might meet me along my old path. My journey begins by crossing Victor's Village .Soon I am walking by the area where The Hob use to stand and notice that construction is beginning for a new downtown area. I see _Tattoo Parlor_ and _Pool Hall_ on a few coming soon signs. I can't help but smile as I think of how perfect these businesses fit in here. I imagine how much Ripper would have loved to own a bar in a place like this .My smile soon fades and I quickly become saddened. I remember that most of the people who Gale & I would trade with here are now dead. _No day but today Katniss, no day but today._ I have to repeat these words to myself, the words Neli and Cinna helped me to embrace. They give me comfort and help me move past the grief and guilt that threatens to drag me into a pool of depression.

Once I leave The Hob I cross through the Seam which fills me with more sad memories .No construction has begun in this area yet. A piece of me hopes they leave it untouched. The bodies and rubble have all been cleared away but there are still a few mementos of my past that linger. There's the trailer where I first saw Lady, Prim's goat. The goat man and his farm are long gone but somehow the rusty metal trailer stays standing. I soon pass the old oak tree that I attempted to teach Prim to climb. I remember how she looked, like a cat that was being given a bath. Panicked, out-of-place and clawing at anything she could get her fingers around. I'm suddenly startled by a pleasant sound and I realize it's coming from me. I find that I am involuntarily laughing .This is the first time that a memory of Prim hasn't brought me to tears. I decide to embrace this new feeling and before I know it I'm laughing so hard that my side begins to ache.

This simple act gives me so much relief and a feeling of peace. I haven't allowed myself to remember anything good about Prim since her death. All of the memories that plague my dreams involve explosions and abandonment. I know I miss her but I didn't realize how much I missed her memory. Prim was so kind and gentle. The thought of causing anyone pain would have brought her to tears. She would be so happy to see me laughing now. In a way I can feel her presence around me as I stand by the roots of the old oak tree. I am healing, it's a slow process but with the help of Neli, Peeta, Greasy Sae, and even Haymitch I'm slowly seeing the good in the world around me. I have a long way to go but there is a small ray of sunshine peeking through the dark clouds of grief and regret that usually fill my psyche. In the past few years I've struggled through depression, faced some of my biggest fears, and let people into my heavily guarded heart.I think today I'm beginning a new journey, a journey to happiness. Who knows what will face me along the way but for the first time I am excited to find out.

I end up spending my whole day in the woods .I take a nap in the sun and eat my lunch by the lake.I don't arrive home until the sun is going down .After taking a shower I curl up on the couch in front of the TV . As I click it on I see a News cast with a familiar pair of grey eyes staring at me through the set.

"Gale." I whisper to the screen as if he could can hear me. He 's older now and he grew a beard but underneath all of the changes I can tell he is still the same person who knew me better than anyone one else in the world.

A woman in a turquoise suit is interviewing him about his duties in the new administration and a" new and exciting" tour he will be embarking on.

"I'm looking forward to touring the districts to see the re buildings and offer my assistance in whatever way possible."he says rather formally.

"Have you visited your old home in District 12? I know it has undergone many changes."the perky reporter questions.

"I have not, but District 12 is on the list to tour as are all districts in Panem."His face noticeably hardens and I can see his jaw clench. I know Gale too well and his expression tells me that he's less than thrilled to come home.

As the reporter signs off and Gale leaves the screen I can feel my chest tighten._I'm not ready_ I think to myself, there's too much to be said and I'm not ready to say it. After a few moments of anxiety I decide that I'm probably worrying for nothing. I'm sure if Gale has his way he will visit a few key districts and they will cut the tour short. He seems to have a high ranked position I'm sure they will ultimately do whatever he wants. My thoughts are interrupted by the phone ringing.

"Hello." I answer with a little tension still lingering in my voice.

" Hey,how was your day? Are you okay you sound weird?" It's Peeta and of course he notices something is up.I decide no good can come from telling him about what I saw on the news , so I play it off.

"No I'm fine.I'm just tired someone woke me up really early." I joke "Where are you? I don't see any of the lights on at your house?"

" I am calling you from the official Mellark's Bakery crew came and installed the line today."He sounds so proud of himself it's very cute.

"Ooooh official! Impressive, now that you're a business owner your not going to forget about us little people are you?" I tease.

" I couldn't if I tried." he responds sweetly.

"You sound tired .When are you coming home?"I realize I mean , when is he coming home to me.I don't think he catches on because he starts rambling about having to order flour and how he can't decide between printing the logo on the bags or leaving them blank. Peeta goes on for a while but the bottom line is he will be a while longer.

" I miss you .Come see me , the other stuff can wait. You're going to push yourself to hard." I say once he's finished rattling off his list of to do's.

He agrees to come over when he's done. After a few hours of waiting I go to bed leaving the door unlocked for him.I'm tossing and turning when Peeta finally enters the room and curls up next to me holding me close .We lay there for a while and I can feel him dozing off.

"You smell like saw dust." I whisper

" Sorry, I need to go home and shower I just wanted to say good night." he mumbles sleepily

"No!Don't go home stay here.I have a shower." I sound desperate I know but I really don't care . Peeta agrees to stay ,not needing much showers and changes into pajama pants. Soon he's lying next to me and any worries or anxiety from the day seem to melt away. Wrapped around one another we sleep peacefully . I love having him here next to me & I decide I never want this to change.


	15. Chapter 14

Time seems to be flying by .Before I know it winter is here and we are all busier than ever. Peeta is working 15 hour days running the bakery. Business is ridiculously busy, so much so that I rarely spend time with him alone. He has unofficially moved into my place but even then I seem to only see him when he's kissing me good night or good-bye in the morning. _Mellark's Bakery _has become a tourist spot. Not only do people love the baked goods but everyone one loves to stop in and meet Peeta. He's a good sport about posing for pictures and signing autographs. I stop in to say hi when I feel up to it, but I honestly don't like all the attention I get when I come in. I make my visits sporadic.

I made a request that Peeta sell hot chocolate, which is unheard of here in 12. He accepted the challenge and got a supplier who was able to have the ingredients shipped in monthly. It's his top seller and he runs out often. I'm happy that the business is a success but the pressure is definitely getting to Peeta .He's had three "episodes" this month alone. They are mild and he knows how to control them with breathing techniques or medication but their growing frequency worries me. I keep hinting that he needs to hire people to help with the growing work load but Peeta insists that his dad ran their bakery practically alone for years . When Delly Cartwright moved back to town and needed a job I gave a sigh of relief because I knew he wouldn't miss a chance to help his old friend. Delly helped to convince Peeta to hire two more people so now he actually has a staff and I'm hoping this will mean we can spend more time together.

As for me I've been busy studying Botany. Yup that's what I said, Botany. My mom told me about a program that her hospital was starting for budding scientist. They are partnering with the medicine factory here in 12 to create a group that can help identify medicinal plants .Many people are leery to take Capitol created medications since the war and there is a wealth of resources that are natural and available, we just need to clarify which ones are safe.

At first I laughed at my mom for even suggesting such a thing. I've never been dedicated to schooling or anything but survival, however once I take the entrance exam & I ace it I wondered if my mom's suggestion has some value after all. The program works for me because I'm able to complete the work from shipped me the syllabus along with the course work for the quarter. I work at my own pace and ship them my finished papers and projects. Occasionally a representative from the hospital will meet me at the medicine factory for hands on labs and exams. My mother has been a healer for so long that this type of subject comes naturally for me. I think the best thing to me is it reminds me of my father. He taught me all there is to know about identifying edible plants and everyone knows from my infamous "berry incident" that his lessons stuck with me through the years. It gives me a reason to use our family plant book and to drum up good memories from my past. I am surprised to find how much joy it brings me. It's just one more aspect of myself that I am uncovering .I never realized how many things I enjoyed until I wasn't so focused on the chaos and grief that surrounded me.

I woke up this morning to a cheese bun and hot chocolate waiting for me on the kitchen table. Peeta wrote me a sweet note on the pastry bag.

_Good Morning beautiful, I miss you & I love you. I hope you have a good day . Love, Peeta xoxoxo_

I begin the morning sitting by the fireplace as I sip the warm cup of hot chocolate I heated up .I decide to call Johanna and give her a hard time about never visiting like she said she would.

"You said one month flake! It's been three, you owe me a visit." I tell Johanna on the other end of the phone.

"I know. I know. I'm coming next month for sure."

"You're coming here in January when it's snowing and freezing! I'll believe it when I see it." I respond.

"Snowing and freezing is better than raining, I don't do rain. I still haven't gotten over that." That must be why she put off her visit before. I didn't even think about it but October in District 12 is cold and rainy. Even with as tough as Johanna is she still hasn't shaken the trauma from her torture in the Capitol. This makes me think of Peeta and how he makes it seem like his issues are not a big deal but I know he downplays it so I won't worry.

"So let's have some girl talk!" Johanna says mischievously.

"Girl talk? That doesn't sound like you." I scoff

"I want the low down on you and Peeta. Spill the beans Everdeen."

"Well, things are good. He practically lives here now although I rarely see him with the bakery being so busy."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to know about the sex. Is he good?"

"Johanna I'm not going to tell you that."

"Come on, you're no fun. Us girls need to share now and then it's healthy….Now, has he gone down on you …Oh, did you have an orgasm yet?"

"Oh my god Johanna !" I'm can feel my face heat up with embarrassment. Johanna won't let up. She keeps asking me embarrassing question after embarrassing question. I finally interrupt her "I will tell you one thing if you promise to will stop saying things that are so humiliating?"

"Fine , I promise." she agrees sounding a little deflated.

"Okay….I've had an …You know… many times, actually every time now that I think about it." I answer honestly.

" No way, every time! You lucky bitch! You'd better marry that boy. So I guess that answers my _Is he good? _question."

"I am pretty lucky. We've both been so busy lately though. I haven't… We haven't…?"I hesitate not knowing how to say it.

"Fucked!" Johanna fills in my blank

"For lack of a better term, yes. It's been at least two weeks. He so exhausted and stressed out I feel bad trying to make him do more work. " I'm giggling to myself now.

"It's not work if you're having fun. I'm sure the oral is tidying him over." She says in a matter of fact tone. My silence lets her know something is up.

" You are going down on him right? Katniss ?"

"No." I say sheepishly

"Are you F-ing kidding me! Let me get this straight. He's gone down on you right?"

"Oh yes." The thought of it makes me squirm.

"And he finishes you off every time?" This is not making me look good.

"Yes."

"And given all that you haven't returned the favor?!"

"It's not like that. We usually just skip right to the sex. I don't know the first thing about… that thing you're talking about."

"Katniss it's called a blow job. Say it with me BLOW JOB." She slows her words down for emphasis.

"I know what it's called thank you. I just don't know how to do it." I'm really embarrassed but the conversation doesn't phase Johanna.

"Well my friend sit back and listen up because Professor Mason is about to teach you a few things." By the time our little talk is over I am beet red but I have picked up some really good pointers that I'm eager to try.

* * *

It's a little after ten when Peeta finally comes home. He showers and then gets into bed with me. I lay my head on his stomach and kiss it softly.

"I thought you were asleep." He says .There's tension in his voice.

"Nope, I'm wide awake. You sound stressed out, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I started training the new hires today .Seriously how hard is it to frost a cupcake? It took Delly ten minutes and ….Oh." his whole body relaxes as I start kissing his stomach and trail down to his belly button. I look up at him and grin.

"Go on I'm listening." I tease and begin to lick everywhere my lips had just been.

"Um… you know it doesn't seem that important anymore." His voice is low and he's rock hard. I try my hardest to keep in mind what Johanna taught me. I soon reach his tip where I begin licking and then sucking. After a while of this I take his entire length into my mouth and begin sucking until my lips are touching the base.

"Holy Cra... Katniss ummmmm yes." He really likes this! And I love turning him on. Before I know it I'm on all fours and I'm bobbing my head up and down over his length .I stop occasionally to lick him like an ice cream cone per Johanna's instructions and then start over again. Peeta's moaning and grabbing onto my hair at the base of my neck.

The next time I briefly break away he smoothly flips me onto my back and starts kissing and licking every piece he can get his mouth on.

"Peeta, no this is supposed to be about pleasing you. " I moan.

"Oh this is pleasing me. I want to be inside of you now." I unleashed something inside of him that I have never seen before. He's being so forceful & I think I like it. He thrust into me and I scream his name.

"Say it again." he growl.

"Peeta … mmmmm."He has such an intense look on his face. With ever thrust he goes deeper and deeper. He's never been this deep inside of me before.

"Tell me you love me." he commands staring intently into my eyes.

"I do love you …. I love you so much. Oh Peeta I'm gonna cum."

"No you're not . " he says between clenched teeth. "Not yet .Wait just a little longer baby I want to cum with you." _Oh wow that is so hot _I think to myself.

"I can't wait, you feel so good." I'm starting to tremble and pant. I'm trying to prolong it but the anticipation is such a turn on that I think it's making it worse.

"Just a little longer… almost… almost." he's closing his eyes and clenching his jaw. I can see his breathing getting more rapid. Then we both explode around one another. Our mouths are desperately kissing each other as we gasp and moan. Holy crap we've never had sex like this before.

Afterward, we are so sweaty and sloppy that I suggest taking a shower together and he willingly agrees. We jump in and let the warm water wash over us. We take turns cleaning one another and share a few kisses here and there.

It's freezing outside of the shower. We towel off and quickly run under the covers .I'm so warm wrapped up in bed with Peeta. We lay there naked staring at one another for the longest time.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask him quietly

"You don't want to know." he replies with a sly grin

"Of course I do .What is it?"

"I….It was nothing we'll talk about it another time." he sounds almost disappointed.

"Spit it out Mellark ." I say squeezing his cheeks and then kissing him.

He laugh and says "I was just thinking about ….being married to you .I was wondering what it would be like. Don't freak out." He squeezes his eyes shut and braces himself for my negative reaction, only it never comes. The thought of marriage terrified me before .I also never saw the reason for it but now that I have Peeta I have to admit I do feel differently .I search for those negative feelings and I only find warm butterflies .I kiss his scrunched up nose until he opens his eyes.

"Is that a proposal?" I say with a huge grin on my face.

"No, you're too special for an after sex proposal. I'd have to come up with something better than that. But if it was, would your answer be yes?" He's almost glowing.

"That's top-secret information Mr. Mellark. I could tell you but I'd have to kill you." I don't have to tell him yes, we both know what I mean. I kiss him softly before closing my eyes.

"How did I get so lucky?" He says to me. I can feel his stare even with my eyes closed.

"Funny, I was just thinking the same thing." I sleepily mumble.

* * *

***Thanks for the views,follows, favorites, and PM's they've inspired me to write more. 3 ***


	16. Chapter 15

**I usually update once a week but I was inspired to do this additional mini chapter after recent support I received.I know it's short but I hope you enjoy it anyway .Thanks again for the feedback, reviews,favorites etc. !**

* * *

A blanket of snow covers District 12. The streets are filled with laughter as children have snowball fights and make snow angels. Before the fall of the Capitol winter was synonymous with death here in 12. Sickness and starvation was rampant in these cold months. It's amazing how much things have changed in just a few short years. Our district acquired a high tech snow plow which has helped to maintain some normalcy .With the streets cleared of snow, businesses are able to stay open which helps to boost the economy as well as makes food and medicine readily available. There is an air of playfulness and excitement in our streets. There was even a Winter Festival in the town hall .Somehow Peeta talked me into helping serve hot cider to the guest. A decision I almost immediately regretted. I loathe large crowds and wasn't in the mood to tolerate the giggling girls that appeared when Peeta attended an event. He tried to get me to dance and celebrate many times but I stubbornly refused .

"You better watch out. If you don't come and dance with me I might find another partner." He threatened in a teasing tone.

"Be my guest." I challenged

"Okay, but don't say I never warned you." He scanned the crowd and glanced back at me as if giving me one last chance to change my mind. I stayed unchanged with a small smirk on my face. He finally turned to a small girl no more than six years old who was standing near my cider table watching the dance floor.

"Excuse me Miss." He said in a gentlemanly tone. She looked up at him and giggled .I'm sure nobody had ever called her Miss before and she thought it was hilarious.

" May I have this dance?" he said .She nodded her head in agreement and Peeta quickly scooped her up into his arms . He swung her around the dance floor spinning and dipping her now and then. He is a natural with children . I could hear some girls in the crowd commenting, _Awww _and_ How sweet_. I hate to admit it but it was pretty adorable. When the song was over Peeta set the little girl down and bowed to her .She took off laughing and started chasing another little boy who seemed to have a balloon she wanted. As Peeta walked back to the cider table I clapped for him softly and he took a small bow. He came up to me and wrapped his arms around my waist kissing me casually.

"It looks like your date ditched you ." I respond

"Women." He joked .

I wish happy memories like these were enough to make me warm up to this season however, the winter brings so many terrible memories with it. Memories of the Victory Tour, murder , and explosions accompany the blizzards. I can't wait for Johanna to get here so she can distract me from all of the negativity that surrounds my thoughts. I am filled with a never ending chill and attempt to keep myself as busy as possible while Peeta is at work . Today I have already filled in three pages of the Memories book, studied my Plant Chemistry notes, called my mom, and dusted the entire house.I begin the unnecessary task of turning the logs in the fireplace when I'm startled by a loud banging on the door.

"Let me in I'm freezing my tits off out here!"

I smile and shake my head as I walk to the door. Johanna Mason has definitely arrived.


	17. Chapter 16

Johanna is standing at the door wrapped in fabric from head to toe .She practically barges in as soon as the door is open wide enough to accommodate her.

"How the hell can you stand this weather? When it gets this cold in seven I leave. This shit this is ridiculous." She enters the house shaking the snow from her tousled brown hair. I offer to take her coat and we sit on the couch.

"So where's lover boy?" she asks taunting me.

" Peeta , is at the bakery. He won't be back until later tonight. What do you want to do ,Guest? I could show you around town. My friend Sae just opened a restaurant . Everyone in 12 is very excited about it. We've never had a restaurant before. "

"I'm not going out in that cold again! Let's just hang out here .I brought you a hostess gift we can share." She says pulling two large bottles from her bag.

" What are those?" I ask her. She opens one of the bottles as I venture to the kitchen to see what we have to eat.

" It looks like this one is wine. Plutarch sent it to me a while back." Johanna says.

I chuckle to myself. I remember what happened the last time I drank Plutarch's wine.

" Are you blushing?" Johanna asks

"No." _liar_ , I think to myself. "I'll pass on the wine. Knock yourself out." I say while rummaging through the refrigerator.

"Oh no you don't Everdeen! I'm not drinking alone. I'm your guest you have to do what I say." After we go back and forth like this for a while I finally give in.

" Fine one glass. One! I have a paper to write in the morning and I can't do it with a hang over."

We eat some left over rabbit meat and bread as we drink the wine. It's freezing so we sit by the fire-place as we catch up. Johanna has been consistently seeing a "Shrink", as she calls it. She travels a lot to keep herself busy never making roots in any one place for too long. We talk about her flashbacks and recovery from a Morphling addiction. She has had a rougher road than I ever imagined .I tell her about my journey so far and before I know it I'm on my third glass of wine.

"Can I ask you something? " Johanna questions.

"I guess." I respond cautiously given its Johanna.

"Why didn't you kill him? Snow I mean. You had the perfect opportunity and you passed it up. Why?" She needs closure and I needed to get it off my chest anyway. I promised Johanna that I would kill Snow for her and I never carried through. I'm actually surprise this never came up before.

I train my eyes on the flames from the fire. I let them hypnotize me as they change color from blue to orange, yellow to red .

"I only had one arrow and I knew the minute that Coin suggested continuing the games that I couldn't let her live. We would start with sending Capitol children to fight one another but then what? When would it stop? Coin would have done anything to make sure she stayed in power. She was like a machine, cold and calculating. She would have been just as bad as Snow if she took over , maybe even worse. I don't have proof Johanna but I know she sent Prim to the Capitol to die. All those children who died along with Prim, she murdered them & for what? Power?Control?

I knew if I didn't kill her everything we work for would be for nothing. Finnick … Prim…countless others would have died for nothing. I couldn't let that happen. Deep down I knew someone would take care of Snow, but Coin… nobody truly knew what she was capable of . She had the opportunity to fix things yet she chose to continue the same patterns as before.

I had nothing to lose. Prim was dead and I was one Nightlock pill away from joining her, or so I thought. I did the only thing I could think of. Are you gonna turn me in? Premeditation sort of throws my insanity plea out the window." I heave a heavy sigh.

It's the first time I've really talked about assassinating Coin out loud. I thought it would be terrible to verbalize it but instead I feel relief. Yet another burden lifted off my conscience.

"Nah. Then I wouldn't have anything to blackmail you with in the future ." Johanna responds with a light laugh ," Hey! You did the right thing. I didn't see it at first but I know now. Thank you." I can feel my eyes start to tear up and I quickly change the subject.

"That second bottles not going to open its self .Let's go!" I say.

"What happened to 'just one glass'?" Johanna laughs.

"I forgot about that on glass number three."

* * *

Johanna tells me to call Peeta and have him invite people over to celebrate our reunion. Somehow she convinces me that this is a good idea . Before I know it Peeta, Delly, and a few other people I don't know are packed into our living room. Johanna throws her arms around Peeta's shoulders and they share the standard haven't seen you in a while greetings. Johanna has Peeta in a head lock messing up his hair like a big brother tormenting his younger sibling. Peeta's covered in flour and frosting from working all day .He excuses himself to change and grabs my hand to follow him upstairs.

"Katniss." Johanna yells up to me "Like an ice-cream cone remember."

"Pervert." I yell back laughing. I'm definitely tipsy because that comment didn't mortify me nearly as much as it should have.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Peeta says once we're upstairs. " You hate groups of people."

It is out of character for me to willingly socialize like this but I'm going with it._No day but today_ .Isn't that what I keep telling myself?

"I'm great." I tell him .I think I'm slurring a little.

"Are you drunk Ms. Everdeen. " he laughs under his breath.

"Nope .I might have had a few glasses of wine but I'm definitely not drunk." I tell him as I start unbuttoning his pants.

" Katniss there are a lot of people down stairs. What has gotten into you?" he says in a hushed voice and a boyish grin.

"Nothing, I love you and I missed you that's all ." I'm kissing his neck now and he can't resist me when I kiss his neck.

"Come here." He says pulling me into the bathroom.

"The people downstairs won't know we're doing it if we're in the bathroom?" I ask and then begin kissing him hard on the mouth .He leans into the shower and turns it on.

"Is this okay?" He questions as he undresses me .

"Mmm Hmmm." I hum.

Once we're undressed Peeta pulls me into the shower with him. He's kissing me all over and the effects of the wine mixed with how incredibly hot he looks are causing me to breathe a little heavier. Were slippery and our hand slide over one another heatedly. Peeta starts to trail his kisses from my stomach to my belly button and I think I know what's coming.

"You have to try to be quiet ." he says licking his lips. I nod my head desperately as his mouth reaches my sex. He's pulling out all the stops ; sucking , licking ,using his fingers holy crap. I can see the water beating down on his muscular back and I can't stay quiet anymore.

"Peeta ummmm." I say a little too loudly

"Shhhh baby ." he looks up at me and grins "You're going to be pissed at me when you sober up, if everyone hears us." He tells me to be quiet however when I moan he becomes even more dedicated to his craft.

"Oh god mmmmm." Right before I'm about to climax he quickly stands up and spins me around so I'm facing the wall. I let out and unexpected gasp as he wraps one strong-arm around my waist and uses the other to feel my body. He bends me over as I brace myself against the shower wall and thrusts into me. He is definitely getting more bold with his moves lately. I don't care if anyone hears us, oh my god it feels so good . Peeta gives up trying to silence me. We are past that point .I don't want this to end but whatever my mind wants doesn't matter. My body starts to betray me and I can feel my legs getting shaky and my stomach starts to tighten. He can tell I'm about to finish. He reaches between my legs and begins to play with me as he kisses my back. I'm so sensitive that my immediate instinct is to tell him no but my body doesn't want him to stop.

" I can't …Oh yes.. no don't stop…shit!" I'm not making any sense .I can't think straight and I lean my head back begging for him to help silence me with his mouth. I explode around him as he wraps his lips around mine moaning and panting .As soon as one wave finishes and I start to catch my breathe another starts to creep up. I can't believe it .I start laughing because I've never climaxed back to back before .Peeta stares at me in amazement and continues thrusting into me harder this time.

"Again?" he asks in disbelief.

"Umm hmm ." I respond nodding my head. I am not able to form coherent words .This time the feeling is even stronger. It's like an out-of-body experience. Once I finally finish I turn around to face him and hold his neck for support. I lean into him laying my head on his shoulder in contentment as the water washes over us.

"Wow!" I whisper into his neck.

I can tell he's feeling quite proud of himself and he says, "Whatever Johanna gave you to drink… you should have it more often."

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**Hope you enjoyed this chapter.I had a writing marathon the past few days so there will be more chapters posted very soon. There are many twist & turns to come so I hope you stick with me. Thanks again for all of the support .It means a lot to me. :) **


	18. Chapter 17

After Peeta & I wash off and get dressed we start to head downstairs. My face is still flush and glowing from the euphoria my body just experienced.I begin to blush as I replay the event in my mind. I'm positive the people in my living room overhead our shower activities and this realization is causing me to drag my feet. I am usually opposed to any type of PDA. I don't know what got into me but I can't say I regret it. In fact there's a part of me that is considering pulling him back up the stairs for round two. As we get half way down the steps my perverted thoughts are interrupted .I can hear a chanting coming from the lower level of my house that peaks my curiosity. Peeta raises his eyebrows and looks at me questioning the sound. We continue on our path down stairs to investigate.

"Do it, do it, do it…." The group chants .Who are they chanting to? As I focus on the crowd I can see their attention is on Johanna and….is that Haymitch? When did he get here? The group entire group is whooping and laughing. Is it just me or did more people arrive since Peeta & I went upstairs?

Delly seems to be the only person disapproving .She is standing at the back of the room with her arms crossed and she's shaking her head "You're going to get hypothermia." She shouts.

"What's up?" Peeta asks her.

"Bare run. " Delly says in a morose tone.

"Oh crap." Peeta starts laughing hysterically.

"It's not funny Peeta. It's dangerous .Do you remember what happened to Orion Tomas freshman year. Frost bite in a not so comfortable area." Delly scolds.

"What's dangerous? What's a Bare run?" I ask totally clueless.

Nobody needs to answer my question because before I know it I'm staring at the bare backsides of Johanna and Haymitch as they run down the snow-covered streets of Victor's Village. I don't want to look but it's like a train wreck. I can't tear my eyes away. Everyone's screaming and hooting. Those two are crazier than I thought. It feels like 10 below out there.

"Whooo ! " Peeta yells as they round the street . Their noses are red and running from the cold air. When they re-enter the house a few people wrap them in blankets and they each take a shot of white liquor. Soon my house is filled with music and laughter. Peeta doesn't leave my side all night. We're partners for a drunken game of charades (which we dominate by the way) and Peeta even talks me into dancing with him at one point. I don't think this house has ever been filled with this much happiness.

Peeta soon suggests moving the party to his house , probably because he can see that everyone is getting a little rowdy and I'm about to pass out. The crowd heads down the street and I start to clean up the mess that is left behind.

"We'll clean it up in the morning, you look tired." He tells me bringing me into his arms to hold me. "So are you going to leave me and shack up with Haymitch now that you've seen the whole naked package? " Peeta says with a huge smile on his face.

" It is going to take me a while to recover from that. You better have some tricks up your sleeve if you want me to ever look at a naked man again." I tease.

"Ooh is that a challenge?" he says pulling me close and placing his lips mine. My fingers are weaving through his golden hair when I hear Johanna's sloppy voice behind me.

"You two are revolting. Seriously, how can you be so adorable and disgusting at the same time? Yuck!" Johanna says from the open doorway.

"Did you forget something? No wait let me guess…you need a bottle opener?"Peeta closes his eyes as if he were a mind reader.

"BINGO! What does that even mean BINGO!I should look that up. There all these sayings that we say but who knows what they actually mean you know?"

Peeta guides her out the door as she continues her drunken rambling. He looks at me and rolls his eyes before mouthing _I love you _to me and shuts the door_._ I walk upstairs and peacefully fall asleep to the sound of loud music and laughter .

* * *

I wake up with Peeta's arms wrapped tightly around me. I don't even remember him coming home but he must have been in quite a stupor considering he's still wearing his clothes from last night .

"Hey sleeping beauty." I whisper to Peeta.

"Hmmmmm." He groans at me and pulls me closer to his chest.

"Wake up." I whisper kissing his neck. His eyes start to flutter open but as soon as the light seeps in he quickly squeezes them shut again and then covers his face with a pillow .

"You probally don't want me to ask this but, who's opening the bakery today?" I ask.

The sun is shining brightly outside and I know Petta usually leaves for work far before sunrise.

"What?" He answers groggy and hung over.

"It's 8 o'clock. Were you supposed to be at the bakery?"

"Shit!" he yells jumping up out of bed. Peeta quickly jumps in the shower and throws some clothes on in a whirlwind .Then he speedily runs out the door. I can't help but feel a little disappointed .He always kisses me goodbye before he leaves for work. I'm not that sappy usually but I've kind of gotten use to it.

I rise from the bed and start to fix the sheets and pillows. I am just beginning to re-braid my hair when the bedroom door opens. It's Peeta and he looks disoriented .

"Hey I thought you left? Did you forget something?" I ask.

He grabs my face and brings me in for a long kiss.

"Just that." he says sweetly.

"You came all way back up here to kiss me good-bye?" I whisper to him hiding a foolish grin.

"Yup." He responds.

"Johanna's right. We are revolting." I smile.


	19. Chapter 18

I clean up the aftermath of the last night's party quickly . With Peeta at work and Johanna sleeping off a nasty hangover I begin to get very antsy. I use to sit in my house for weeks at a time without ever venturing outdoors .I don't even know that girl anymore. She was expressionless, cold, and barely present . I've grown so much over the years. Depression still threatens to drag me into its unwelcome doors however the occurrences are far less frequent than before. After I finish writing my paper for school I really don't know what to do with myself. I welcome my meeting with Neli today but it's not for another couple of hours. I decide to head into town early and get some much-needed supplies. It's cold out but a walk will be nice.

I usually take a path away from the bakery when I come into town. People pay far too much attention to Peeta and I when we're together in public .Today there aren't many people out and I think it will be nice to pop in. As I approach the door to the bakery I can hear the unwelcome high-pitched giggle that makes my skin crawl. I glance in through the window and see Paisley leaning over the counter asking Peeta questions about the pastries. She wears a tight V- neck sweater that exposes her ridiculous cleavage, seriously it's unnatural how perfect this girls body is. I feel insecurity creep up inside and then anger. She makes sure to point at the pastries in the case that force Peeta to look down at where her chest is exposed and I can tell he's trying to advert his eyes but he's only human.

"Look at you you're a mess. You have flour everywhere!" she giggles

Peeta dusts himself off and laughs still doesn't see me standing outside the cracked door.

"Here let me help you." She raises her hand ups to run her fingers over some flour that is on his cheek. _Okay that's enough_ I think to myself as I open the door. The bell that announces a new customer rings and Peeta's eyes look up welcoming the interruption. Paisley 's eyes also meet mine but I can't say she looks that happy to see me.

"Hey baby ." He says walking out from behind the counter and wrapping his arms around my waist. He attempts to kiss me but I'm not responding very well.

"Hey." I reply in a sickening sweet tone. I'm not looking at him. I have my glare fixed on Paisley and I refuse to look away until she leaves.

"Katniss stop it's not worth it." He whispers in my ear kissing my neck.

"Maybe not to you lover boy. But it is to me." I keep my eyes on her and she finally takes the hint.

"Peeta I'll come back another time It looks like your ... um busy."

"I'm sure Thom can do a delivery for whatever you need. No need messing up you makeup trekking all the way over here." I tell her in a condesending tone and then start to kiss Peeta's neck.

"Hahahah well that's an option." She giggles uncomfortably and then leaves.

I continue kissing Peeta's neck and ears

"Why was that slut in here flashing her cleavage out you?"I whisper in-between kisses.

"She's a customer Katniss what am I suppose to do tell her to leave?" I stop kissing him and stare him in the eyes.

"I think that's a great plan." I respond.

"You know I can't do that. You're not really mad are you?"

"No, you'd know if I was mad."

"It's kinda sexy when you get all protective and jealous." he responds nuzzling my neck with the tip of his nose.

"Don't push it Mellark." I say rolling my eyes

" You should come to the back I can show you the storage room." his voice is low and heated.

"And why would I want to see that?" I respond a little too innocently.

"I don't know it could be fun." He's looking up at me wagging his eyebrows up and down.

"I'm not having sex with you in the storage room. There's food back there .That can't be sanitary."

"What the customers don't know won't hurt them."he says leaving hot kisses trailing down my neck and collar bone.

"I'm leaving Casanova." I say kissing him goodbye.

"Wait." He leaves me and returns with two cups of Hot chocolate. "Tell Neli I said Hi."

"I will." I give him a quick kiss goodbye.

"I love you." he says sweetly trying to make light of the situation.

"I love you too." I'm still annoyed from my run in with Paisley

"Say it like you mean it." he yells to me with a cocky grin as I leave.

I stop outside and smirk at him. I find a foggy spot on the window and write _I Love You!_. As I walk away I can see him grabbing at his heart dramatically. Even with all this evening's drama he still manages to charm his way out of trouble.

As I reach the office Neli greets me with open arms. We catch up while sipping our hot chocolate. I tell her about the party last night.

"Wow. You willingly invited people over your house that you didn't know?"She sounds shocked

"I know .I can hardly believe it myself."

"The progress you've made is remarkable."

"I'd like to take all the credit for it but I can't."

"Peeta?"

"I hate admitting that one person could have such an effect on me but he makes me want to be a better person. "

"Why would you hate that? There is nothing wrong with depending on those around you now and then."

"Neli... he brought up marriage the other night."

"And how did you feel about that. Panicked?"

"At first yes. We're so young... but we've been though a lot together.I feel like we know each other better than most people who have been dating years. I started thinking about. What it would be like to grow old together? To share the same last name. It's silly .I never wanted it before but ….I want it with him."

"Katniss it's not silly. Those are all natural feelings to have when you love someone. As I said you're making wonderful progress."

We finish up our session and I head home. I walk with a skip in my step .I always feel so wonderful after talking to Neli , I have so much clarity and hope. As the sun goes down I notice the winter chill in the air is beginning to fade, it's a tell tale sign of the season's changing. The promise of spring breathes new life into my soul. As I round to Victor's Village I hear something out of place._What is that ? An animal_?As I get closer to the house the noise becomes clearer. The skip in my step quickly turns into a run. I'm not paying attention to anything around me I can only focus on the sound and reaching it as fast as I can. Soon I'm slamming into a panic stricken Johanna. I hear the sound again and now that I am closer I can see why it evoked a panic with in. It's a guttural scream filled with panic and fear. Johanna's out of breath from running and her eyes are laced with terror. She musters up the only words she can.

"Katniss …It's Peeta…come quick."

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**I got a lot of Peeta/Paisely/Katniss requests so here you go. Hope you enjoyed the chapters and are ready for what's to come * DRAMA*. Thanks so much for all of the Follows , Favorites, Reviews, and general love. It means a lot to me and is an inspiration. :)**


	20. Chapter 19

"Oh my god." I whisper placing my hand over my mouth in shock. Peeta's living room looks like a war zone. The book shelf has been knocked over, there is shattered glass everywhere. I can't focus on all of the damage I see because my eyes go straight to the only damaged thing that I really care about, Peeta.

He is shaking uncontrollably and letting out random growls that sound as if he is being tortured. His eyes are squeezed shut and he's gripping the back of a wooden chair so hard that the wood has cracked and splintered in his hands. There are drops of blood pooling on the floor.

"Get his shot. "I yell to Johanna

"I tried but his arms are to tense I'll never get the needle in, plus I scared to approach him." She's right he is too tense and based on the looks of the room he is also too volatile.

"Crap. What happened?"

"I don't know, but I think it's my fault. I sliced my hand on a broken beer bottle. When I screamed it was like a switch turned on. " her voice is guilt continues speaking but it's as if she's worlds away. "Listening to other people get tortured was one of the worst part . They would make us listen to each other hour after hour and we were helpless to do anything about it." She catches herself drifting and shakes her head quickly as if shaking off a bad dream. "Maybe it was my scream that triggered it .I don't know but he totally lost it."

"I'm calling Haymitch."I say in a moment of desperation. I run to pick up the receiver then Johanna interrupts.

"He's not there. I tried. What the hell do we do?" She sounds hopeless and panicked.

With the phone in my hand I reach out to the one person who always gives me clarity in stressful situation. I dial Neil's office number and hold my breath as I wait for her to pick up. She may have left already and then who know when she'll be next to an available phone.

"Corneila Soie's office." I take in a deep breath of relief and then Peeta screams again and I lose all focus .I want to hold him but I know I can't .I feel so helpless and I let out a strangled cry.

"Katniss? Is that you?"

I'm trying to respond but nothing will come out but tears and I muster up a few words.

"Neli…It's Peet…"

"Katiniss, I want you to take some deep breaths .In through your nose and out through your mouth. Everything is going to be okay."Neli has a way of calming me regardless of how dyer the situation is.I follow her advice and try to breath as she tells me "There you go…Now can you tell me what happened?"

I'm shaking and it's hard to hold the phone. I can't lose him. He's slipping away I can see it and I don't know what to do. I pull myself together as much as possible and start to speak.

"Peeta is having a flash back. It's never been this bad before Neli! I don't know what to do."

His screams seem to be getting worse and I know Neli understands how serious things are.

"Katniss I want you to listen to me very carefully. His sense of reality is altered right now. He is probably reliving some very frightening things and that is putting a lot of stress on his body. Have you tried medicating him?"

"His body is too tense I don't think the needle will…"

She interrupts quickly. "No don't approach him with a needle right now !We don't know what methods of torture the capitol used, that might make things worse. Somehow you need to bring him back to this reality. Has this ever happen before… have you been able to snap him out of an episode before?"

"Once. We were in the sewers in the Capitol and he checked out….I um.. I kissed him and he came back, but Neli this time it's worse. I don't even know if he'd let me near him." My sight is blurred with tears but I can still make out Johanna crouched in the corner with her hands over her ears. This can't be easy for her. My hopelessness is growing with each scream and growl I hear coming from Peeta's mouth.

"Okay let's try this. What about a saying or a noise that will remind him of something safe… preferably something before the games. Can you think of anything like that."

"A memory from before the games ? Um , I don't know Neli I…. I can't … Oh God!"I'm at a loss. It's as if my mind has gone completely blank.

"What about that song." Johanna has come out of her crouched position and is listening to our conversation.

"What? What song?"

"He would talk about it all the time….crap how did it go? He said you sang it at school or a concert or something."

"I never sang at a concert. I don't sing, not anymore not since my father died." I'm so frustrated we're getting nowhere fast and Peeta is losing color in his face. I didn't think it was possible but the situation is getting worse.

"Maybe it was before then ." Neli chimes in, "Maybe from childhood? Did you ever sing to Peeta when you were kids?" Neli says .She is very reassuring but I can hear an edge in her voice. Things must be worse than even I imagined.

"No, we didn't even really know each other as kids. We went to the same school but…." Then the memory hits me and I feel awful for not remembering before. It was during the first games and I asked Peeta when he knew he had feelings for me. He remembered the moment in such detail. " The Valley Song. I sang it in music assembly when we were five. " the realization comes out in a faint whisper.

"Good. Can you remember the lyrics?"Neli asks.

"I can try, but Neli I haven't sang…."

"Just sing the God Damn song!" Johanna shouts trying to drown out Peeta's cries.

I slowly approached Peeta and kneel next to him. Johanna stands close by to ready to inject him with the serum when the opportunity presents itself. The tension in the room is thick and panic fills my chest. What if this doesn't work? What if I've already lost him? I start to approach him slowly using the same movements I use in the woods when I'm trying not to scare away game. I begin to sing and I can barely choke out the words .My voice is shaky and I can feel sting of tears streaming down my cheeks.

_Down in the valley, valley so low Hang your head over, hear the wind blow  
Hear the wind blow love, hear the wind blow  
Hang your head over, hear the wind blow_

By the end of this verse I can see his breathing start to slow and his grip on the chair starts to loosen. I think it's working.

"Katniss ?" He mumbles with his eyes closes tight.

"Yes baby, it's me shhhhhhh." I tell him running my fingers through his hair.

"Keep singing please." he sounds so helpless and weak.

"Okay." I say , crawling into his lap. We hold each other as he lays his head on my chest. I continue to sing. I remember my Father teaching me the tune when I was four years old. I was so proud of myself when I learned the lyrics. I would sing it to exhaustion and even made up hand movements to go along with it. I vaguley remember the teacher asking who knew The Valley Song and the excitement I felt. Even though I'd never been to school before I knew what she was talking about. I remember being terrified to sing in front of the class and the only thing that curbed my fear was that the lyrics reminded me of my father. This was able to calm me. I hold on to his memory now as I face a different kind of terror. The fear that I might lose Peeta. The fear that when he snaps out of this he won't have the same kindness and hope that I love about him. Instead of letting this fear suck me up I let the lyrics of the song give me comfort.

_Roses love sunshine, violets love dew  
Angels in heaven, know I love you  
Know I love you...Know I love you...  
Angels in heaven, know I love you_

Once Peeta is noticeably calm Johanna gives him the shot. It doesn't seem to faze him. He keeps his head on my chest listening to my heart beat and holds me like a lifeline.

"We better get him in bed quick. This stuff knocks you on your ass." Johanna suggests solemnly. I'm sure she speaks from experience. Johanna's no stranger to torturous flashbacks.

"Do you think you can get upstairs?" I ask him.

He shakes his head in agreement and we slowly rise to our feet. We're half way up the stairs when I remember the phone.

"Oh ! Johanna, I forgot all about Neli. Is she still there?" Johanna goes to the phone and I can hear her telling Neli thank you and updating her on what happened. Once Peeta & I are in his room I help him get undressed. His hands are covered in small cuts and bruises from the tight grip he had on the splintered wooden chair. I clean and bandage his hands then I tuck him into bed. Peeta dozes off as I play with his hair and hum to him . As soon as I can see that he's okay I head down stairs to assess the damage.

Johanna sits on the couch surrounded by the aftermath of Peeta's episode. There's books scattered across the floor & shattered glass everywhere. I carefully sit down next to her. We sit in silence for a while and then start to clear the ruble. We work together picking up the mess that reflects broken pieces the Capitol left us in when they were finished with us.

It takes us two hours but we finally get it all picked up. I give Johanna the keys to my house and tell her I'm going to stay with Peeta tonight. I think she welcomes the escape and leaves me to my thoughts. I don't sleep much tonight. Instead I lie awake and stare at this beautiful tortured soul and wonder if he will ever really heal. My usual wave of guilt starts to flood over me. _If I didn't love him Snow would have left him alone. He only tortured Peeta to get to me. Why couldn't he have captured me? I should have never left Peeta's side in the arena. It's my fault…it's all my fault. _I try to push these thought from my mind as much as possible. One thing I am becoming painfully aware of is that no matter how hard I try I can't change the past.

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**Whew! This was an emotionally draining chapter to write. A big thank you to everyone who is supporting this story .I love reading your comments and reviews. The lyrics above are not mine. They Belong to the American Standard/folk song ****"Down in the Valley". When I searched the web for The Valley song many choices came up. This song seemed to fit perfectly ( just my personal opinion :)**** ).Hope you liked it .More plot twists to come ;)**


	21. Chapter 20

It's after 12:30 in the afternoon when Peeta finally gets out of bed. I get him a glass of water from the kitchen and curl up next to him on the couch.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask him.

"Not really." He responds in a hoarse voice that remind me of all the screaming that he did last night.

"Listen to you ! You sound awful." I start kissing his throat and I can feel a tear drip on his neck.

"Katniss I'm okay." He whispers and plays with my hair.

"I was so scared. I thought I lost you." He tries to wipe away my tears but the bandages on his hands are getting in the way.

"I told you I'm not going anywhere. Last night was scary but now that I know what it feels like I will know how to head it off. I should have given myself the shot the minute I felt it creeping up but I thought I could control it. I was so stupid….I could have hurt Johanna or you. God I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever hurt you." His eyes start to well up and I kissing his face and lips to give him comfort.

"I know you'd never hurt me." I say looking into his eyes.

"How? How do you know?" He sounds unsure and scared.

"Because you love me and it's deep down, deeper than anything the Capitol planted ."

He sighs deeply and rests his forehead on mine. I think of how only last night I thought I might lose him forever. I never want to feel that again. If I could stay glued to him for the rest of my life I would. I start to kiss him gently making sure not to rub against any scrapes or bruise he incurred last night. I rise from my seat on the couch and straddle him .I can feel his firmness resting beneath me.

"Is this okay? Am I hurting you?" I ask continuing to place soft kisses anywhere I can reach.

"It's good… I mean no you're not hurting me." He seems a little flustered. I don't usually initiate things like this .I begin to slowly undress for him and he doesn't take his eyes off of me the entire time. He keeps raising his hands to touch me but his bandages are holding him back and I can see how frustrated he his. "Tell me what you want. I'll be your hands." His eyes widen with surprise. This is definitely new for us.

"I ummm…wow." I give a small laugh at how flustered he is .I continue kissing him and start rocking my hips back and forth over his hardness. The only thing separating us is the loose pajama bottoms he's wearing. "What would you do if you could touch me?" I ask in a shy whisper.

"I'd… ummm…. your chest. I'd touch your chest." I take my hand and slowly guide it over my breast.

"Like this ?"I ask biting my lip.

"Uh huh, then I'd take your nipple between my fingers and… this is so hot…"

"And what? Would you tug like this?" I tug at my nipple lightly and he moans. This is so out of character for me but I love making him happy I love turning him on.

"Yes like that. Then I'd trail my hand down here." he kisses me between my cleavage but quickly raise his head so he doesn't miss watching me follow his detailed instructions. He's rocking his hips against mine now and I'm so turned on I don't know how much longer I can go on.

"What now." I say breathlessly. His eyes are intense as he watches me trail my fingertips down my cleavage.

"Lower….now lower…..mmmmm" He guides me with his voice until my fingers are resting on my most sensitive area. I've never touched my self before not like this .The feeling is new and awkward at first but as I stare at Peeta's rapid breath and hungry eyes there's nothing more I want to do. I'm moist inside and my fingers glide in easily.

"What now." I whine .

" ummm softer uh huh.. now move your fingers in a circle…yeah like that. Now faster…yes a little fast." I'm whimpering because it feels so good.

"mmmm,Peeta I want you."

"I want you too." he growls

"I need you inside of me." I say desperately. He nods his head rapidly in agreement .I pull down his pants and lower myself onto him.

"Ahhhh, I love you." He watches me as I ride him back and forth rocking slowly until I start to feel the familiar tingle that makes me scream.

"Peeta I 'm going to… mmmmm."

"Me too …don't stop. God don't stop." I have to hold down his wrists down as we come because he keeps trying to touch me and I don't want him to reopen any wounds. His mouth makes up for what his hands cannot do. He trails his lips and tongue all over my body occasionally grazing his teeth over my skin. Once we are both completely spent I slowly remove myself from his lap causing us both to sigh from the sensation. He sits with his head laying back on the couch as he closes his eyes . I place my head on his shoulder and lean up to kiss his earlobe.

"How could someone who can make me feel like that ever hurt me?" I can see him grin then he turns his head and stares at me. He brushes a piece of hair away from my eyes and kisses the tip of my nose. I can tell he's feeling better but there's still sadness behind his eyes. I have an idea.

"Get dressed. I want to take you somewhere." I'm being cryptic but luckily he plays along.

* * *

"God where are you taking me we've been walking forever."Peeta asks with a little exasperation in his voice.

"I know, but it will be worth it you'll see. "I say looking back at him. "Catch up slow poke."

"I'm paying attention to how we got here just in case you abandon me like last time." He's laughing but I think he's being honest. I think back to that day I left him in the woods .I was so broken and scared.

"I'm not going to abandon you .Come on its right up ahead." I grab his hand and pull him along.

"This must be good I don't think I've ever seen you so exci….." His voice trails off as the lake comes into view. He stays frozen behind me. Both of our eyes are locked on the water that is still covered with ice from the recent cold temperatures. The lake is a hidden treasure unknown to most. Seeing it for the first time is a pleasant shock. I almost envy Peeta .I remember what joy it brought me the first time I saw it. I hope he feels the same.

" My father would bring me here when I was little. It was our special place. I use to play in that house over there and I'd dig up Katniss roots in the lake. It's where I learned how to swim. If things ever get really bad I come here and… it's like the lakes gives me clarity .It comforts me. Do you like it?"

I turn to look at Peeta and see he is awe-stricken. I don't think he expected anything like this.

"I love it. I can see why you come here. Thank you for sharing your happy place." he comes behind me and wraps his arms around my waist.

"My happy place?" I repeat "Yeah I guess it is my happy place."

We sit in silence staring at the lake and breathing in the fresh air. He continues to hold me but his grip begins to get rigid and I can tell somethings wrong. Eventually he speaks up.

"I'm a monster." He mumbles under his breath. Obviously last night is still weighing heavily on his mind.

"What? No … how could you even think that?" I turn and kiss him on the cheek.

"That's what they turned me into. How could I have lost control like that? I swore they'd never change me and they did. They won." He's noticeably upset .

"Stop it. That's a lie and we both know it. Even with everything they did to you, everything they took away …you are still kind, caring, and positive. If they were successful you would have killed me back in thirteen."

"I almost did."He stares at me with pain in his eyes.

"But you didn't! You had many opportunities and here I am alive and breathing .You are one of the strongest people I know, they could never change you. " It looks like whatever I am saying is sinking in because the pain in his eyes is beginning to fade.

"I love you."he whispers to me staring into my eyes.

"I love you. See a Capitol Mutt Peeta would never love me."

"True and I do love you , more than you will ever know." He says kissing me softly.

We begin to get cold so I decide it's as good a time as any to head home. Peeta gets a glimmer in his eye and says

"Let me get us home. I want to see if I remember." It's like he's a child playing a fun game.

"You weren't kidding before where you? You really were paying attention to how we got here. I would never actually abandon you." I'm laughing .Peeta raises his eyebrows at me as if he doesn't believe me. "Fine. Lead the way Captain."

* * *

Peeta's able to get us home with only a few wrong turns and he looks very proud of himself.

"I'm very impressed." I tell him as we get to my front steps.

"Don't sound so surprised. I am a Hunger Games Victor you know." I roll my eyes .I'm glad to see him in a lighter mood.

"I'm going home to shower. I'll meet you an Jo later okay?"I kiss him goodbye and watch him walk away. I begin to reach for the door knob only I don't need to open it because Johanna beats me to it.

"Where have you been?" she whispers to me pulling me into the house. She looks anxious.

"I took Peeta to the woods .Why, what's wrong?"

"I went into to town to get something to eat .When I was finished I passed by the train station." She's still talking in a hushed voice.

"Okay… and?"

"And that's when I saw him. He was with a whole group of people. He looks so different."

"Who looks so different. You're being weird."

"Gale! He's here in twelve."

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**Keep the reviews and suggestions coming.I love reading your opinions and takes on the readers have made this such a positive experience for me and I'm touched by all the kind words and excitement this story has gotten. Things are about to change in the J.T.H world. What do you think will happen? :)**


	22. Chapter 21

I don't know what to think when I hear the words come out of Johanna's mouth. First , I'm angry _How could he come back here after what he did to Prim?. _I'm also terrified _What will it be like to see him again? What if he's not the same?_ . There's also a piece of me that's …excited,_ Gale's home! There's so much to tell him , so much to catch up on. _I've always been able to let my guard down around Gale. He understands my past because he lived it with me and I miss that. I decide to ignore all of my feelings and do what I do best in stressful situation, avoid .

"I'm taking a shower I'm filthy." I tell Johanna

"That's all you have to say?" She asks me in a dead pan tone.

"Yup. Maybe when I'm done I can show you around Down Town area opened up, we can go check that out."

"Whatever floats your boat. You sure you're good with this?"

"Yeah , it'll be fine. If I stay away from town I won't even see him. I know Gale, he won't want to see me anymore than I want to see him." Johanna rolls her eyes and turns on the TV as I go upstairs to shower.

I think about what I just told Johanna _he won't want to see me anymore than I want to see him_. It's 100% true, only that's what I'm afraid of. When I dig down deep I realize that underneath all the fear and anger lies something else. I have a need. I feel like I need to see Gale… I want to see Gale. I feel guilty even thinking this. What would Peeta think of me wanting to reunite with Gale and what about Prim? I can't think of Gale without connecting him with Prim's death. I allow the warm water of the shower to drown out my thoughts and help me let go of my anxiety.

Once I get out of the shower the phone rings. I dread picking it up. What if it's Gale? I'm not ready to talk to him yet. I sit and stare at the phone until it stops ringing. Shortly after it starts ringing again. I realize I can't avoid it forever so I reluctantly pick up and say hello.

"Katniss are you okay?" It's Peeta and he sounds worried. I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Of course I'm okay. Why?"

"I knew you were home and you didn't pick up… sorry I'm a little paranoid after some of the things I saw last night." It takes me a little while before I get what he's talking about. I guess that means some of his episode last night included nightmares having to do with me.

"I was just in the shower. I'm fine. I was getting ready to take Johanna on a tour of 12. She's leaving tomorrow .Do you want to come?"

"I'm sorry but I'm really tired. After last night and the hike today …I think I'm going to eat something and then pass out. Is that okay? Tell Johanna I'm sorry."

"Of course it's fine. Sweet dreams."

"Thanks. Have fun. See you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow."I'm just about to hang up when Peeta interrupts.

"Wait! I forgot tomorrow's going to be crazy. We have a wedding to prep for at the bakery so I probably won't see you tomorrow either." He sounds sad.

"Peeta, I think we can go one day without seeing each other. We use to do it all the time." I laugh.

"I know .I just miss you when I don't see you all day. I'll survive I guess."He has a pout to his voice that's adorable.

"Go to sleep .I love you."

"I love you too. Have fun tonight. Not too much fun though." I can tell he's only half kidding. You never know what the evening hold with Johanna.

I throw on some clothes and head down stairs to collect Johanna.I suddenly feel very under dressed. She's wearing spiky high heels and a short glittery skirt. In the Capitol this would be considered casual wear but here in 12 it's definitely out of the norm.

"It's my last night here .We're getting dolled up."

"Oh no, no, no . I don't do dolled up."

"Liar. I've seen you in dresses and high heels a million times."

"Yeah, when I was being practically forced at gun point."

We go back and forth like this for a while and finally compromise on a fitted green top ,denim pants and a pair of really uncomfortable heels.

"There are you happy?" I say wiggling my toes uncomfortably in Johanna's tight shoes.

"Barely but it will do.I heard they opened a bar downtown … The Hob?"

I start laughing "They named the bar The Hob? Hilarious, Okay let go ."

The new Down Town area is a surreal mix of the Capitol and District 12. These two worlds do not match to me and I feel as if I am stepping into a drug induced dream. The buildings here have the rough wooden facade of the shacks that use to stand in the Seam but they are meshed together with bright lights and shiny metal that I link with the cold flashy Capitol. The Down Town streets are packed with people. There has never been anything like this here and people seem to be excited about the possibilities.

"Oh, let's get a tattoo!" Johanna says enthusiastically as we pass the _D12 Tattoo and Ink_.

"No way!Nice tried though."

"Fine, you're no fun. There's the bar, let's go." She grabs my arm and pulls me up to the doors of _The Hob_. There's a huge line of people outside waiting to get in. Johanna pushes her way to the front and sweet talks the burly man standing at the front door. He lets us in with no questions asked. As we enter I find myself feeling out-of-place and disoriented. Just a few years ago District 12 wasn't allowed enough electricity to power the security fence yet now I'm sitting in a dim room glowing with Neon lights and booming with music coming from electronic speakers. Even the music is foreign to me. Prior to the war our music came from a random fiddle player or our own singing voices. This music is booming and unnaturally loud. I can feel the base pump throughout my body_. I don't belong here I should have stayed at home with Peeta_ , I think to myself.

Johanna orders us two shots and two beers. She holds up her shot in the air and looks at me to do the same. I really wasn't planning on drinking but its Johanna's last night here so I decide to humor her.

"Here's to new beginnings." She says .We down the small glass of liquid and I instantly feel warm throughout my body. I look at Johanna and she is holding up the beers and wants to toast again. I play along.

"And here's to happiness. We sure as hell deserve it." I laugh at this and take a large drink of my beer. I decide to spend my evening babysitting my drink but Johanna has other plans. She links up with a tall red-head, who by the bandage on his arm looks like he just got a tattoo. She looks like she's having the time of her life dancing and teasing this random boy.I finish my beer and let her know I'm heading home.

"Have fun."I mouth to her over the booming music.

"I will." She yells back as she continues to grind against the red-headed stranger.I realize that was probably the last time I'll see Johanna in a train leaves really early in the morning.I should have hugged her or she'll understand.

As I walk home I think back on my strange evening and reflect on how different life is for me now, in both good and bad ways. I definitely don't miss the fear or oppression that accompanied my old life but I do miss its simplicity. I finally make it to Victor's Village, the heels I'm wearing make me feel as if I walked twice as far as I actually did. I almost stop by Peeta's house but decide to let him get some much-needed sleep. As I enter my house I remove the shoes Johanna shackled me in and go up stairs to change.I squeeze off my green top and put on a comfortable cotton t-shirt . Just as I get the shirt over my head I hear the doorbell ring. Johanna must have lost her key.

"Hold on." I yell as run down stairs. "What happened the red-head wouldn't put out." I yell jokingly as I open the door. Only It's not Johanna who greets me. Instead I'm staring into the familiar grey eyes of Gale Hawthorne.

"Hey Catnip."

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**Sorry if this chapter seems like filler but there was some necessary set up that I needed to do. The next few chapters are interesting to say the least . I'm excited to hear what everyone thinks . Chapter 22 needs a few finishing touches and then I'll post it. Thanks to everyone who has left reviews especially # ilovethemanofsteel who faithfully reviews every chapter I post. Hopefully the follows, favorites, and reviews will keep coming. They brighten my day :) .**


	23. Chapter 22

We stand there just staring at one another. Gale has a thick beard and is wearing his uniform. He looks so different from the fourteen year old boy I use to haggle with over game . It's hard to imagine this serious looking man use to be my closest friend.

"So… can I come in? It's kind of cold out here." Gale finally asks with not much confidence behind his voice.

"Oh… um sorry, of course …come in." I manage to stutter. I head to the kitchen and bury my head in the refrigerator , avoiding this ghost from my past. "Do you want some water or something else to drink? Sorry, but I need to go into town I don't have much." My heart is racing and I don't know what to say. I feel like I can't even look at him. What's wrong with me? This is Gale. The same Gale who I used to share my deepest secrets with .He is the same person who could make me laugh with a simple look or noise. Why do I feel so scared and awkward?

"I'm good actually, not really thirsty."he replys sounding just as uncomfortable as I am.

I need to get this over with ._Just look at him Katniss. It won't be that bad._I take a deep breath and turn to look at Gale. Our eyes meet and I see nothing but sadness and regret mirrored back at me .Where did things go so wrong with us? We use to trust one another with our lives. What changed?

"So …um how are things?" I say. Trying to make idle chit-chat, which I'm terrible at.

"Good I guess. I've been really busy on tour. You should see the districts. The growth is unbelievable. I hardly recognize 12."

"I know! I hardly recognize it myself and I've been here for the reconstruction." This is followed by another long and uncomfortable silence. Then Gale randomly blurts out.

"I met someone .Her names Lilly, I think I might ask her to marry me?"

I search within to see how I feel about this.I've never had to share Gale with anyone. I dig deep but feel nothing.

"Congratulations.I'm sure your mom's happy to marry you off..."It's as if he doesn't even hear my answer because he interrupts me to ask his next question.

"Are you with Peeta?"

"Yes."I answer quickly

"Are you two serious?"

"I think so…I mean, yeah we're serious."

"Do you love him?" There's a long pause before I answer. Not because I'm not sure of how I feel about Peeta. I'm happy to say that I sure about my feelings for him. It's just that it feels so strange saying them out loud to Gale of all people. I've never officially resolved my feelings toward him and I don't like the uncertainty it brings.

"Yes…I love him." I whisper, for some reason that's all I can get out. Gale nods his head a few times silently in a thoughtful trance .

"Okay well ... this has been...yeah, I better go." He's half way to the door before I realize there is something I need to tell him. It something I didn't even acknowledge until just I saw him but he needs to hear it.

"I wasn't your fault." I yell. I seem to have found my voice.

"What?"

"What happened to Prim. It…it wasn't your fault. There's no way you could have known that's what Coin was going to use the trap for. I'm sorry I blamed you, you didn't do anything wrong."This is the first time I have allowed myself to forgive Gale and I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Prim loved him. He looked after her when I was in the games, made sure she never went hungry. I know he cared for her. She would have never wanted to see us like this. Unable to be in the same room together with nothing but awkward silences and formal greetings between us. I look at Gale's face and it seems like years of guilt and regret have flooded over him all at once.I can't believe it but he's actually crying. I don't think I've ever seen him like this before and I don't know what to do.

"God …I'm so sorry Catnip. If I could take it away…if I could bring her back I would?" He's sobbing now and I do the only thing I can think of. I approach him and wrap my arms around his waist in a sort of bear hug.I don't like seeing Gale like this. He's always been so looks helpless now and I can't stand thinking of all the pain he has felt over the years. I squeeze him until his crying stops. Once I feel his breathing return to normal I look up at his face. We stare at each other for the longest time weighing out what our next move is going to be. I don't notice but the space that was between us has lessened. Gale's inches away from my face now and I feel like I can't breathe. I did not miss this feeling, like I'm being torn in two directions. There doesn't seem to be much time to think before Gales lips are pressing against mine. I have my fists against his chest as if I was going to push him away but never followed through. I don't know how long we stay connected . When our lips part Gale opens his eyes and stares at me with a look that I can't place. Finally he breaks the silence.

"Katniss ? "

"Yes." I whisper in a shaky voice.

"That was awful." He begins to laugh.

"I know right!?" I'm grinning ear to ear .I shouldn't be so ecstatic over a terrible kiss . His expression matches mine. "Remind me why we're smiling?"

"Closure? " he raises his eyebrows to question if I agree.

"Closure. Yes, I think that's it.I missed ?" I offer up.

"Friends." He repeats mulling over the word as if to check with himself that he accepts it. He starts nodding his head in agreement. "I missed you too Catnip. Friends." We share a tight hug. It feels honest like family and childhood .I don't question this friendship like I questioned the romance we shared. This is right. We were meant to be like this, but somehow in all the chaos of the games and war we lost it.

Just as I'm raising my head off his chest I catch an image in my peripheral vision. I can feel the panic rising inside when my eyes focus on the figure staring at Gale & I locked in a tight embrace. _Peeta._


	24. Chapter 23

**I updated sooner than usual for ****#candyluver88. ****Thanks for being the first to add me as an "Author Favorite"** I hope you ( and everyone else) like it. :)

* * *

I stare at Peeta through the large window that separates the front porch and the living room. He looks wounded beyond repair. He couldn't have heard anything we said through the window, he just saw us._ Oh god how long has he been standing there! _I think to myself. I replay the situation in my head to see if it's as bad as I'm thinking. First Gale kissed me ,_Please tell me he didn't see us kiss_. The kiss was followed by a lot of smiling and laughing and then we shared a tight embrace. _Shit, this looks so bad_. I want to run and tell him that Gale & I are just friends. He'd be relieved to know he has no competition. He needs to know that I'm in love with him and there is nothing hanging over our heads to ruin it. Gale found someone and he's happy & I'm happy for him. It would be so perfect if he could just understand this but he doesn't. As I look at his face he seems so damaged . His eyes are filled with hurt and rage. I haven't seen him like this since he came back from being hijacked, so cold and angry.

"Peeta." I manage to choke out. I push away from Gale and head toward the door.

I open the door and watch as Peeta punches a hole in the wall. I've never seen him so angry before. He's pacing back and forth in the street like a caged animal .I stand frozen staring at him in stunned silence.

"How could you kiss…why would you do that?What the hell am I to you? A convenience? I'm good enough until this guy comes around and then you're all over him?"

"Peeta calm down and listen to me." I try to rationalize with him.

"Calm down? That's what you have to say? You know what Katniss…I hope you two are happy together because I'm done! I'm done chasing you around like a puppy dog only to have you crush me over and over."

"Peeta stop it. You're not thinking straight."

"No !I actually am thinking straight for the first time ."

"Peeta. I lov…"

"Stop ! Don't say it , don't ever say that again because you don't mean it .If you meant it I would have never walked in on that." He screams and stares at me with disbelief and betrayal soaked eyes. I can tell he's about to cry but before he gives into this emotion he turns and storms off in the opposite direction of me disappearing into the dark street.

I begin to panic and start to run after him but he has a head start.

"Peeta stop! Would you just listen to me?" I scream as I chase after him. The street lights have turned off and it's so dark I can't even see where he went .I run toward his house and then I hear the disturbing slice of flesh followed by a sharp pain .

"AHHH! " I scream. I look down to see a pool of blood forming below my feet. I completely forgot I wasn't wearing shoes. Apparently I sliced the arch of my foot on a nail that is lying in the street. I couldn't chase Peeta now if I tried. _Fabulous. Could this day get any better? _I think to myself.

Gale eventually finds me on the street and has to carry me back to the house. He immediately calls the doctor to come and exam me. My foot needs multiple stitches and I have to get a shot to protect me from any disease or bacteria that the nail could have carried.

" The medication in this shot is strong. It will knock you out for the evening. You need to stay off of your foot and keep an eye out for infection and …" The doctor gives me many more directions but I check out. All I can think of is Peeta. What is going through his head right now? I'm worried about him , about us. I need to talk to him. I need to explain myself.

I tell Gale to leave me on the couch. He offers to stay but I don't want to risk it just in case Peeta comes home. What if he doesn't come home? My eyes begin to well up at this thought.

" I'm sorry Catnip. He'll come around don't worry." I can tell he only half believes the words that are coming from his mouth. He saw Peeta's face too and there was no mistaking the look he had. It was contempt and it was directed right at me.

Gale leaves and promises to stay in contact. I immediately try calling Peeta .I let the phone ring until my head hurts and then hang up. I keep calling over and over hoping he'll pick up out of pure annoyance . I keep this up until my head starts to get cloudy and my consciousness fades.

* * *

The room is pitch black when I open my eyes. I hear the sound of the door closing and look up to see Peeta's shadow in the door way. He just stands there staring at me for the longest time and then I break down crying.

"I'm so sorry .It didn't mean anything. I love you not him." My sobbing is uncontrollable.

" Shhhhhhh." Peeta whispers. I see his shadow walking up to me slowly and all I can make out are his blue eyes staring at me examining my every move. I try to talk but he stops my words with his mouth. He's grabbing at my face and is shoving his tongue in my mouth. I should be happy that he's touching me after what happened today but his mouth seems so foreign .His kiss is so hard and my lips begin to hurt.

"Peeta … wait." I say between breaths but he doesn't stop .He grabs at me roughly and I don't like it. "Peeta stop it you're hurting me."

"You want me to stop…. Katniss ?" He hisses in my ear.

There's something about the way he says my name that paralyses me with fear. I remember too well the last time I heard my name like that. That hiss belongs to the mutt lizards that took Finnick's life , there's no mistaking it. Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see the tail of one lizard enter the room and then another and another. Their razor-sharp claws scrape against the hard wood floors. I realize I can't breathe. Partially out of fear but I soon see that Peeta's fingers are slowly tightening around my neck and his grip keeps getting tighter and tighter until I have no air left in my lungs.

I open my eyes and gasp loudly for air sitting upright. As I look around and the room I can see it's filled with sunlight. _It was a nightmare… it wasn't real I dreamed it …not real ….not real_. I repeat these words to myself until I can actually believe them. I turn to reach for Peeta's arms to comfort me but he's not there. That is when I let out a strangled cry that reopens a wound in my heart that I thought was long since healed. He's gone and I don't think things will ever be the same again.

* * *

**Don't hate me everyone. I know things seem bleak but let me remind everyone that I love Peeta & Katniss together! Enough said :) ****.I think with everything they have been through in their lives there is no way their road wouldn't have a few bumps. Thanks for all of the reviews and feedback. I try to PM a response when possible. Also, thank you for all of the follows and favorites.**


	25. Chapter 24

_"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart." _Finnick told me this once when we were in 13.I keep this close to my heart as I live life battling my demons without Peeta. It's been almost three months since he left. Three months of sleep-less nights and anxiety. Three months of waiting by the phone and finally realizing it isn't going to be him when I pick up. Depression has crept up on me on more than one occasion as well as troubling flashbacks. My mind has wandered to the snow-covered streets of the Capitol on many occasions. I watch Finnick's death, Gale's capture by the peace keepers, and Prim's murder over and over. Each time I relive these nightmares it's as if I'm seeing them for the first time. Despite all of this I heed Finnick's advice and refuse to fall apart.

I hate to admit it but Haymitch has been a big help. He supports me in his own way. I woke up one morning to the sound of hammering and scraping. When I walked out side to investigate I saw Haymitch patching up the hole Peeta punched in the wall.

"Hey."I say

"Got sick of looking at. This is a classy neighborhood ya know. We can't let the houses go to shit."I stare at him expressionless still feeling abandoned and numb.

"How ya holdin' up kid?"he asks.

It's very unlike Haymitch to ask such a serious question. Usually he just teases me, cusses a little and goes inside his house.

"I'm okay I guess."

"Have you heard from the boy yet?"

"Nope…I don't think I ever will. Things got pretty screwed up Haymitch."

"Well then it can only get better right?"

"Since when did you get so optimistic."

"All I know is that you survived the games, a war, death , and Christ knows I know you two like I think I do you can keep this relationship alive too."

"Thanks Haymitch."I say under my breath.

"Well don't get all sappy on me." He says and turns to walk back home. "Take a shower for God sake you wreak!" He yells from the road.

"Look who's talking Old Man." Since that day he finds random reasons to come check up on me. I constantly wonder if he's heard from Peeta but he doesn't offer up any information so I don't ask.

I decide that I can't let my depression control me . I refuse to retreat in ward like my mother did so many years ago.I won't change into a depressed shell of a person .I've worked so hard to get to the point I'm at now. I decide to pour myself into my studies instead. I write paper after paper and have fallen asleep face down in my text books on more than one occasion. I welcome any thing that distracts me from my thoughts about Peeta. This is why I get excited when I get a morning call from my mother.

"Hi mom. How are things?"

"They're good .Anything new with you?"she sound a little anxious which unusual for my mom.

"Well… I think I'm almost done with my course work for the semester. I've updated the family plant book with my new findings."

"Oh that's nice. Nothing else new? Anything you want to talk about?" She's fishing for information.I can sense that she knows something is wrong.

"Nothing I want to talk about … I'm good."

"Katniss? "

"Well, mom you obviously need to talk so spill it." She starts to whisper as if she has a secret.

"I'm not supposed to talk about this … there's patient confidentiality rules but…Peeta is here in 4."

"What ? Does he look okay ? Have you talked to him?" I begin grilling her like a detective in a murder mystery.

"Why don't you know about this? What's going on?"

I fill her in on the situation and what happened with Gale. I don't want to talk about it but she seems worried. She tells me that all she knows is that Peeta has come in to see the hospital's Neurologists. She also said one of the specialist assigned to Peeta's case came to her requesting any information she might have on herbal remedies for traker jacker venom. She briefly mentioned that he was staying with Annie and little Finn.

"You know there aren't many places to stay in 4."she adds as if to ease my mind that nothing is going on between the two.

"It's fine mom .I would never think they had anything romantic going on. Not that it's my place to care anymore." My voice trails off at this realization. Peeta could marry and have a family now with whoever he wants. The subject of kids had always been a heated one between the two of us. He always wanted a big family and couldn't understand why I was so opposed to the thought. My thoughts drift to a conversation we had about kids .We never specifically talked about having kids with each other but the debate about bringing kids into the world in general was becoming more common place between us.

_ "Look at those cheeks! How can you not want one?"Peeta says. _

_ I roll my eyes at him looking at the picture Annie sent us of little Finn. He does have adorable cheeks and his golden hair and sea green eyes are just like Finnick's._

_ "His cuteness only makes me more positive I don't want any kids. I get panicked just thinking about his safety let alone kids of my own."_

_ "What's wrong with wanting two or five kids running around laughing and causing trouble?_

_ "Five! You're crazy! I guess I just don't have as much faith in human kind as you do?"_

_ "How does that have anything to do with it?"_

_ "I could never bring children into a world like the one we grew up in. Starving, oppressed, one slip of paper away from a death sentence."_

_ "But we don't live in a world like that anymore. Things are so different now."_

_ "Now. How do you know we won't go back to that? We could be one bad president away from another Snow or worse."_

_ "Always the optimist Katniss. I love you anyway."_

My eyes begin to mist at this memory. Now Peeta can find a woman who will give him everything he wants and there is nothing I can do about it. I should be happy for him but all I feel is loss. My mom can sense I am getting upset so she starts to say goodbye but I interrupt her.

"I broke his heart mom and the worst part is it is all a huge misunderstanding."

"I'm so sorry sweetie. It will all work out for the best, I'm sure of it." What else is she going to say _Wow Katniss you're screwed! _?Before we hang up I share my research with her, that I did on the leaves Rue used on my Traker Jacker stings. I've devoted a lot of my time to studying the healing properties of those particular leaves. Maybe they can help Peeta? She tells me that she will pass the information along and then we say our good byes.

Now that I know where he is I've tried contacting Peeta many times but he won't answer my calls . I've considered writing him a letter, only every time I start the words don't sound right and I end up throwing it away. I miss him so much and I'm worried about him having flashbacks .I worry myself to the point of least it makes me feel better that he's getting treatment for them. Maybe that's the one good thing that can come out of this messed up situation.

* * *

I often escape to the woods to comfort myself. I hunt and gather enough to feed a small family. Neli says creating new habits and memories will help me heal so I try to change my routine. Sae needed help at her restaurant so I started working there a couple of times a week. She's been teaching me how to cook which has been an interesting experience. Let's just say I'm not a quick learner in the kitchen. She nicknamed the smoke detector, _The Katniss Alarm_ because I set it off so often. Today is no different.

"It's not funny." I say waving the smoke out of the air. Greasy Sae is wiping tears from her eyes from excessive laughing.

"How do you burn boiled eggs girl? I didn't even think that could be done." She lets out another loud cackle.

"Well I'm glad I can entertain you. I'm going home, I've taken enough abuse for one day." I tease as I clean up my mess.

As I enter my empty house and can feel sadness creeping up on me. I quickly try to change things up before I lose my strength. I decide to go out back and trim the Prim Rose bush. The white blossoms calms me and I enjoy making it look pretty. I've come to think of it as a grave site for Prim. Somewhere I can visit to remember her. As I kneel beside the fragrant blossoms I begin to speak out loud. The logical part of my brain knows Prim can't hear me but there are moments when I feel like she is there listening and supporting me in my darkest times.

"Prim. I miss you so much…. I miss him so much. How did it all go so wrong? Why does everything I surround myself with turn out to be a disaster?" I can feel the tears beginning to sting my eyes and I can't hold it together anymore. I don't know how long it will take to pull myself together again but as I kneeling on the ground in front of the Primrose bush Peeta gave me I allow myself to completely fall apart.

* * *

**Hello Everyone, I don't know if I need to say this but the quote in the beginning of this chapter is not mine it belongs to Suzanne Collins. Now that we have seen how Katniss deals with life now that Peeta is gone we can get to the juicy stuff.****The next few chapters are some of my favorites .I'm excited to see what you all think.**Thank you for all of the support ( reviews,follows, favorites etc.). Until next time :)


	26. Chapter 25

I sit at my kitchen table drinking a cup of tea. As I look out the window and watch the warm summer day unfold I can see couples walking hand in hand and children chasing one another around the street in a game of tag. They all look so happy. I wonder if I will ever be that happy again? I stretch in my seat and realize I feel unusually stiff. How long have I been sitting here? I look down at my wrist to check the time and notice my hands look strange. I lean in to get a closer look but I can't see. My house is so dark inside. Outside the window was so bright and full of light , how is my house so dark? I rise and go to a mirror to see my reflection .I do not recognize the person staring back at me. Grey wirey hair and deep-set wrinkles. Is as if I've aged fifty years . _Tap, tap ,tap_. I'm old and alone_. Tap ,tap, ta_p. What is that sound?

My eyes dart open. I was dreaming again. I sit up in my bed to see if the tapping sound I'm hearing was part of the dream. I listen closer and hear the taps have turned into something else, _Thud,thud, thud _. _Bang, bang, bang_._What the hell?_ I think to myself.I go down stairs to see that there are two figures standing at my front door pounding as loudly as possible. _What time is it?_ It seems as though the sun if barely beginning to rise. _Bang, bang,bang._ "I'm coming! God." I yell before putting on a robe. I can barely keep my eyes open as I approach the door but this is soon remedied when I'm greeted by a booming "Happy Birthday!" coming from two of my closest friends , Johanna & Gale.

"I can't believe you guys." I'm totally surprised. I wish I could say I forgot it was my birthday but this year I was painfully aware that I would be turning 20… alone. I have dreaded the day for some time now. I'm sure Johanna and Gale thought of this too and decided to come and keep me company. I'm touched.

I make us coffee, which I have come to enjoy with my late nights of studying and we catch up. Gale tells me he popped the question and Lilly said yes. It's weird to see him so giddy over a girl, but I'm so happy for him.

"She's coming here tomorrow. I wanted to show Lilly around town. She wants to see where I grew up." Johanna is making gagging noises behind his back that makes me chuckle. "Screw you two!" he says.

"No, Gale I'm happy for you seriously." I say suppressing laughter. It feels good to laugh.

"Get off you ass and get dressed." Johanna says. It's five in the morning what could they possibly want to do.

"Thought we'd go hunt. We haven't hunted together in a while. It'll be like old times." Gale says. A part of me wants to crawl back into my bed but hunting with Gale does sound like fun .

"Okay let me throw on some clothes." I say sleepily.

The three of us spend the majority of the day hunting in the woods .It is like old times and Johanna fits right in. I give her an axe I had for chopping wood to hunt with. The aim she has with it is scary. The highlight of the day is when we come across a young buck. I am moments away from releasing my arrow when Gale sneezes so loudly that the Buck and any other life form in a ten-mile radius ran for the hills. We break down laughing hysterically at the timing of it all. After that we eat lunch, pack up, and head home. It has been my idea of the perfect birthday. I'm glad they came.

"I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to take a nap."I say yawning as we enter my front door.

"Oh no you don't we 're going out, it's you're birthday we have to seize the day."This is the last thing I want to do but I know better than to argue with Johanna. I look over at Gale for support and he only shrugs his shoulders.

"Sorry Catnip we each planned something for you and Johanna's plan includes you getting shit faced."

"Yup so get your ass in gear that liquor at _The Hob_ isn't going to drink itself." Johanna says clapping at me impatiently.

"_The Hob_? Can't I just get shit faced here?" I plead. Johanna ignores me and yells

"Shower!"

"UGGH! Fine but I'm not wearing high heels."

"Deal!" Johanna says with a smirk.

I take my time showering and grooming myself. I'm in no rush to go back to _The Hob_, but since my friends went to all this trouble to make my birthday special the least I can do is show up. Once I'm done drying off I can see that Johanna laid an outfit on my bed for me . A sun dress and strappy sandals.

"What is this ?" I yell down stairs.

"Happy Birthday brainless .Put it on and let's go." Johanna yells back.

I guess I can't show up to a bar in my dad's hunting jacket and muddy boots. The dress is way shorter than I usually wear but at least it's comfortable .The grey fabric matches my eyes and it sits comfortably on my body. I feel like I'm showing way too much skin but I try to remind myself that we are going to a bar and I'm dressed modestly compared to the other girls I saw there last time we went. I dread putting on the shoes. They are way too strappy and girlie looking to be comfortable. I slide them on my feet and to my surprise they don't hurt .I'm actually happy with an outfit Johanna picked out for me .It's a birthday miracle.

As I come down stairs I can tell Johanna is impressed with her handy work. I convince her that we should eat something before we head out for a night of drinking and she complies. Gale goes to town and picks up food from Sae's for us and we each help ourselves to some stew and Biscuits. I know that the stew usually comes with a roll Sae orders from Peeta's bakery .I wonder if Gale purposely didn't get the rolls because he thought it would upset me. They've each completely avoided bringing up Peeta or anything to do with him all day. Once we're done eating it's about 6 o'clock and Johanna is standing by the door ready to go.

"Isn't it too early to go to a bar? It's not even dark out." I say trying to delay the inevitable.

"It will be dark inside the bar, let's go." I roll my eyes and reluctantly follow Johanna out the door. As we step off the front porch I'm surprised to see there's a car waiting for us. I raise my eyebrows showing I'm impressed.

"We weren't going to make you walk there on you birthday. I'm determined to make this a day you will never forget." Johanna says with a mischievous look on her face.

* * *

I walk into the Hob with Johanna & Gale and we go directly to the bar. The music is blasting and causes the walls to vibrate. I sit on a bar stool and take in my surroundings. Already I feel out-of-place. Gale sees my disapproval and comes and sits next to me.

"I think it's against some sort of rule to look so miserable our birthday." He jokes.

"I'm not miserable; I'm having the time of my life." I reply in a dead pan tone. The bartender isn't serving us quick enough so Johanna leaves to go get us drinks.

"So when do I get to meet this mystery girl?"I ask Gale.

"After she comes in tomorrow I'll bring her over. You're going to love her Catnip and if you don't you better pretend you do." he laughs.

"I'm sure she's great .I promise I'll smile at her and everything."

Johanna arrives with our drinks and I continue holding up the bar counting down the minutes until we can leave. I scan the dance floor people watching and attempting to look interested for Johanna's sake. I can't believe how crowded it is for being so early. I thought coming at this time would at least help me avoid a crowd. I wonder how long we have to stay before I can sneak out. Johanna can see my lack of interest in our outing. She chugs her beer and slams it on the bar.

"That's it .You're having fun whether you like it or not." Johanna says grabbing my arm and takes me to the dance floor. I drag my feet and protest as much as I can but she's persistent. Finally I give in and start to dance with her .I try to lose myself in the music and let loose a little. She spins and even dips me at one point. Before I know it I'm laughing and having fun. At one point Johanna spins me a little too hard and I slam into a person behind me.

"Oops I'm sorr…" suddenly my voice gives out and I can't speak.

"Oh Shit. " Johanna says to herself. She takes a in a deep sigh and says "How ya doin' Peeta?"

* * *

**Peeta's back!What will happen next, hmmmmm?**

** I originally intended on having this story to be about Peeta and Katniss' journey to marriage and children however I've decided to write a second story that will begin where this story leaves off. Make sure to follow me if you want to read it when it's ready. This means there are only about 3 more chapters to go for _Journey To Happines_s :(.Hopefully you'll be pleased with the final outcome ( however I realize I can't please you all ).Thank you for reading and I really love all the reviews , follows & favorites . They have inspired me to keep up on my posts and warm my heart. Thank you! xoxo**


	27. Chapter 26

The music in _The Hob_ is loud and there are people everywhere yet I can't see or hear anything except Peeta. He's really here and I can tell him everything I've meant to say. I keep waiting for an opportunity to talk to him but instead we just stare at one another neither one of us uttering a word. Johanna finally breaks the uncomfortable silence.

"Hey Peeta."

"Hey Jo. What brings you in here?" He says ,his eyes not leaving mine. He sounds cold,distant, and drunk he's definitely a little drunk.

"I could ask you the same thing. When did you get back?" I can tell she's annoyed. I'm sure this is not the way she pictured the night turning out.

"Oh I'm not 'back'. Just picking up some things I need and checking on the bakery before I leave again." Just as he finishes his sentence Gale returns from the bar with three drinks in his hands. He's totally oblivious to Peeta's presence.

"Why do I see a birthday girl with an empty drink? What the hell Johanna your supposed to make sure she's having…."His voice trails off as Johanna tries to discreetly tell him to shut up .As soon as Peeta sees Gale his gaze leaves mine .He starts shifting his eyes from me to Gale with a look I'm not accustomed to. It's filled with venom and bitterness. He begins to look right past me as if I were a ghost .

The crowed atmosphere mixed with the tension between us is becoming too much for me to handle. I begin to look around the bar for possible escape routes when I notice the group of people Peeta came here with, most of whom I don't know. I manage to pick out a few friendly faces from the group. Delly, Thom , and a few people from the party we had at the house the last time Johanna visited. Then my eyes look behind Peeta to see who he was dancing with when we knocked into one another. _Of course, _I think to myself_. _There are three girls dancing far too seductively to the song being played. One of which is Paisely Pruitt. Peeta catches my stare and matches it. His eyes have a coldness behind it that doesn't match his usually kind demeanor.

"Oh how sweet, you two are here to celebrate together. I'm so glad to see we're all happy and moved on." the insincerity is dripping from his tongue. I finally get the courage to speak but Peeta cuts me off. " No Katniss ,it's cool. We're just pals right? This shouldn't be weird. I obviously misunderstood our relationship, my bad." I stare at him stoically. Luckily for me I don't show emotion very well or I would look like a lunatic right now.

"Peeta .I've been trying to explain…"

"Explain what? You don't need to explain. It's simple , I thought you loved me and you thought I filled a need until something better came along."

"You know that not true." My voice is beginning to shake.

"No Katniss, it's completely true and I was just too much of an idiot to see it before." I can tell he's hurting and I want to comfort him but I'm frozen with fear.I don't know what to say.I've been waiting months to tell Peeta exactly what happened yet at this moment I feel like an Avox, unable to produce words.

The trio of girls begin calling Peeta's name asking him to come dance .Paisley grabs him by the arm and pulls him away from our conversation. They begin dancing with one another on the dance floor very suggestively. He looks reluctant at first but each time his gaze falls on Gale the gap between Paisely and Peeta begins to close. Before I know it his hands wrap around her hips and are trailing their way up her back and then back down again barely stopping at her back side. His mouth hovers over hers threatening to touch at any moment.I can feel my face reddening as all of these months of sadness and melancholy are matched with anger. After all we've been through I know I deserve more respect than this. Johanna keeps trying to provide a distraction & get me look away but I only half register the words coming from her mouth.

He's gone too far and my instinct is to completely shut down. His behavior cuts through me like a very jagged knife. How could someone who supposedly loved me so much want to hurt me this badly? I know I should look away but I can't .I glare at the two of them with pure venom in my eyes. It's when she brings her mouth up to ear and glides her teeth against his earlobe that I totally lose it. I don't even realize but before I know it I am bulldozing my way onto the dance floor .I push myself in-between Peeta and Paisley and I grab her by the hair and place my mouth next to her ear so she's sure to hear every word I say.

"Oh shit she's going to kill her." I hear Johanna yell with a small chuckle behind her voice.

"Crap, Catnip stop!" Gale follows in a panicked tone.

"Listen you trashy whore. If you two want to screw around behind closed doors knock yourself out. But don't you dare disrespect me by throwing it in my face.I will ruin you ...and please know than when he's screwing you he's thinking of me." With that I throw her on the ground. She lands in a clumsy thud on the floor .No one comes to help her and she doesn't dare get up. I immediately turn to Peeta and stare directly at him. I can feel the lump in my throat and I can't fight the tears anymore. He looks at me with regret and pain in his eyes. I face him and we're so close I can feel my breath reflect off his mouth.

"Screw... you." And with that I turn and leave the bar. I can hear commotion as I let the door to _The Hob_ slam behind me but I ignore the sounds and take off into a run instead. I don't know where my feet will take me but I do know that I need to get far away from here.

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**Fear not you will get closure very soon ( and *lemons* for all my pervs ;) ).As always thank you for all the support.I try to respond to all my PMs and Reviews but I am unable to respond to guest 's a shout out to all my guest reviewers. I truly appreciate your support. Keep the reviews coming , they spark great ideas for the upcoming chapters and help motivate me to keep updating. I know everyone wants the fighting to end so I might give you an early chapter sometime this weekend if I see there is a demand for it and since I love you all so much :) **


	28. Chapter 27

I run and run until I reach the woods. Usually the fresh crisp air and the sight of the trees would be enough to rejuvenate me but today this is not the case. I need more comfort so I go to my special place. As I approach the lake the water is still, except for a ripple here and there caused by the occasional falling leaf. I want to sit and stare at the water for hours, but the bank is muddy and uninviting. I suddenly remember the blanket I left hidden in the lake house. I soon retrieve it and lay it on the ground near a tall wispy tree. I sit down with my eyes closed and soak in the peace connected with my surroundings. I attempt to wipe my mind clear of all the terrible things Peeta said and did but it's no use. I can't shake the image of him grinding against Paisley, his lips were so close to hers. She had her mouth on him! He's probably comforting her right now , placing his mouth on hers, and making her scream his name the way I use to .I know it's all in my head but the idea still makes my stomach turn. I don't know why I'm torturing myself. Peeta has obviously moved on and even if he hadn't the man I just left in _The Hob _wasn't my Peeta.

I decide to stand and stick my feet in the water to cheer myself up. The lake is warm and inviting and it takes everything in me not to jump in .As I wiggle my toes in the soft dirt I'm instantly brought back to my childhood. Coming here with my father was so special to me. I would dig for Katniss roots in the lake as he hunted . Remembering my Father like this makes me miss him more than ever. He gave me strength that I didn't know I had. If only I could dig up that strength now the same way I would dig up those roots. Life was so effortless and simple then.

I'm deeply lost in thought when I'm startled by a familiar voice behind me. I turn around and am staring into Peeta's solemn crystal blue eyes. He stands a safe distance away from me on the lake's shore. Who knows how long he's been there or how he even knew I'd be here. _Why would he bother finding me?_ I think to myself. He obviously hates me. His words from earlier are still causing an uncomfortable sting in my heart yet I can't deny the feeling of yearning that resides there as well.

"Katniss I…" he begins to speak but I quickly interrupt him. I've been waiting so long to explain what happened between Gale & I that night months ago.I have to tell Peeta how I feel. I know there is no more "Us" but I need to get it off my chest. It amazes me how deep the need is considering a year ago you couldn't get me to share my feelings if you held me at gun point. I guess I've grown stronger than I thought.

"No wait! I have something to say first. I've been waiting three months I think I deserve to get it out."

"Kat.."

"No! You're going to listen to me and then you can say whatever you want but first I'm going to get this out." I sound like a demanding witch but I don't care. Peeta nods his head in agreement. He stares at me in silence crossing his arms and biting his lower lip anxiously.

"First of all , you lied to me. You said you weren't going anywhere. You said I would never lose you but the minute things got rough you bailed. I get that you're hurt and angry but you didn't even give me a chance to explain." He opens his mouth to speak but I continue.

"I'm not finished! I'm sorry if seeing Gale and I like that hurt you but I'm not sorry it happened, because when he kissed me… I knew exactly how I felt about him, no more guessing games or what if's. I'm not gonna lie, I do love Gale. We have a connection that I will never have with anyone else but it's not romantic .He's family Peeta. Some of the only family I have left. Somehow with the games and the fighting we lost that. The kiss we had was forced and awkward. The whole time the only thing I could think about was that he wasn't you. I have never been more sure of how much I loved you and it's not because you _chase after me like a puppy dog _or that you're _convenient_. I love everything about who you are .You're kind… well you use to be ….and understanding. You accept me with all of my flaws. You're patient and you see the world like it's full of possibility and hope. I love your laugh and the way your mouth curls up into a smile before you fall asleep and…."

I've completely lost all composure and there are tears streaming down my face but I need to tell him how I feel before he leaves again.

"I know you don't want anything to do with me and I realize it's too late for us but I needed you to know that regardless of what you might believe, I do love you and I always will." I've run out of words and the energy to say them. Peeta is frozen in the same position as when I began my speech. His eyebrows are drawn together in a scowl that looks like he's in pain. We stand and stare at one another for what seems like an eternity and then Peeta starts to speak.

"Are you finished now?" His voice is intense and solemn .I nod my head to show that I don't have anything else to say. I close my eyes and take a deep breath to brace myself for our final goodbyes. "Good." He replies.

When I open my eyes I watch Peeta rushing toward me. He walks straight in the lake where I'm standing, shoes and all. Before I can assess the situation he has my face locked between both of his hands kissing me with more passion and urgency than I have ever experienced.

"What…"I try to ask him what the heck is happening but he only mutters a sloppy "shhh." and continues to kiss me. He's running his fingers through my hair capturing my mouth as though he's never going to let me go. Eventually he mutters a few hurried words here and there in-between the kisses.

"I'm so sorry….I'm idiot…I don't deserve you and those things I did at the bar… God what's wrong with me? I can't believe I ….I'm so sorry, I love you so much." He refuses to let me talk and keeps kissing me instead. I can't say I'm in any rush to stop either. I've missed him even more than I realized. I need him; I haven't felt this complete since he left.

Peeta lifts me up as if I weigh next to nothing. I quickly wrap my legs around his torso pressing my body close to his. Our kisses have become less urgent and more passionate. Peeta's mouth slowly caresses mine as he runs his strong hands over my thighs and up my dress. He carries me to the blanket that I left on the lake's shore only releasing my mouth long enough to lift my dress over my head. I remove Peeta's shirt and throw it on the moss-covered ground, taking a moment to run my fingertips across his tone chest. We continue to undress one another in silence making sure our lips never part. Neither of us seems to be phased by the fact that we are in the wide open with nothing on. Soon Peeta's mouth leaves mine and I let out a small whimper in protest. He gives me a slight smile and begins placing soft kisses down my neck and over my collar-bone until his mouth finds my breast. He slowly licks my breast from the bottom to the top occasionally stopping to capture it's entirety in his mouth. He lightly grazes his teeth over my nipple causing me to let out a high pitch moan.

"God I missed this." Peeta says to himself causing me to giggle.

He continues moving his mouth over my body leaving my skin damp and speckled with goose bumps. I want to stay this way forever but there is another piece of me that won't allow that to happen. As I run my fingers through Peeta's hair and watch the muscles in his back tighten while he hovers over me, I know I won't be able to control my impulse to have him thrusting inside of me. Peeta begin sucking on the flesh in my inner thigh gliding his tongue dangerously closes to the area that will unravel me. It feels amazing and torturous at the same time causing my back to arch up off the blanket. I can't take it anymore.

"Peeta please." The words leave my mouth in a desperate lust filled whine.

"What do you want… I give you anything you want." He pants moving his mouth in between my thighs causing me to scream with ecstasy.

"Mmmm…I need you please…god Peeta I need you."He doesn't waste any time. Before I can utter my next words he's buried inside of me and I let out a deep sigh of relief . We make love next to the lake with the sound of the crickets and rustling leaves .We move together slowly and passionately. The only time our lips part is when we are gasping out of pleasure. We even moan into one another's mouths refusing to separate. When we finish Peeta and I lye there staring into one another's eyes.

"Was my speech that good?" I say jokingly as I allow my fingers to glide across his perfect mouth

"Your speech was wonderful.. but I already came here to beg for your forgiveness. Gale talked to me at the bar. He explained everything." he plays with my hair as he talks.

"You and Gale had a civil conversation? " I'm shocked.

"He really cares Katniss. I don't think he has feelings for you like I worried about before. Anyone who cares about your well-being as much as he does is good in my book."

"Wow this is weird. Good, but weird." We lay there for a while and then I break the silence "I hate to say it but it's getting late we better head back or we might be bear food."

We get dressed in silence and take one last look at the lake .I sit in-between Peeta's legs and rest my back against his chest as he wraps his arm around me tightly. He sets his chin on the place where my neck and shoulder meet. The sun is beginning to set and it fills the sky with pink and purple blended together with a brilliant orange.

"Look Peeta" I whisper "Your favorite color." he smiles against my neck and kisses it softly.

"Katniss? "

"Mmhmm" I answer staring at the sunset.

"Hold out your hands and close your eyes." I can feel his heart beating at a rapid pace against my back.

"What?" It's an odd request but I play along. He places something small and smooth in my palms and then tells me I can look. I'm staring at a pearl…my pearl. The one Peeta gave me during the Quarter Quell. I remember how I use to run its smooth surface over my mouth when I was having a particularly bad time. "I thought I lost this! How did you…" then I noticed the pearls attached to a thin platinum band speckled with small glittery diamond that sparkle in the light. I'm confused "Peeta?".

I turn to look at him and his eyes are glassy like he's about to cry. He speaks the next words in a low emotion filled tone.

"I found the pearl in your quarters in 13 after they took you away. I always kept it close .It made me feel like I had a piece you next to me. I had the ring made a while ago and I was going to ask you to.… well then things got all screwed up. I thought I'd never see you again but I couldn't bear to get rid of it. I kept it with me this whole time. Katniss, I love you so much…I can't live a happy life without you in it. Will you…" He hesitates and kisses my mouth which is hanging open in stunned silence. Then with his lips still hanging on mine he whispers "Will you marry me?".

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**Hopefully**** this chapter gave everyone some closure. Thanks to all of you who have sent such insightful reviews.I love hearing your thoughts about the looks like JTH is almost at 100 Reviews! I wonder who is going to be my 100th reviewer :).Thanks for all the love and feedback .Only a couple chapters to go.**


	29. Chapter 28

**Hello all! This chapter is written a little differently than I usually write. It is out of sequence (to keep you on your toes lol). You'll notice the times and settings jump around so make sure to refer to the heading of each section or you'll wonder what the hell is going on. You might want to go back and reread Ch.27 to piece some of the timeline together.I tried writing it straight however in the end I liked this way the best, hope you do too.**

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**May 8th 10:00 pm**

There are moments in your life that occur that you can never anticipate happening. Moments that feel like you're an outsider looking in ; hearing Prim's name called for the reaping, the first time I saw myself on fire when we rode in the tribute's parade, when Peeta purposed to me by the lake. The difference between those moments and now is that I never instigated any of them. They happened to me not because of me. This situation is totally my doing.

As I glance around the room I'm struck by a very surreal feeling. This might possibly be the strangest situation I've ever been in. Gale, Johanna, Peeta, Haymitch and I all stare at the man behind the tall marble counter. He's short in stature and is wearing moon shaped spectacles that he keeps pushing up on his nose. He is wearing a coat and underneath I can see that he has on a pair of plaid pajamas. The man does not look pleased with the five of us. I can't say I blame him. I don't know anyone who would like to get woken up and forced to face this rag-tag group. Gale stares at me through a swollen black eye and I think Johanna might still be drunk .I have a silly smirk on my face and Haymitch looks pissed off .Peeta seems to be the only respectable one out of the five of us .

"Are you intoxicated ?" the man asks us.

"No sir." I say suppressing a laugh.

"Because if you are intoxicated I'd like to remind you that this is an official proceeding and it shouldn't be taken lightly. I don't care if you are super stars." At the word superstars I laugh out loud. I'm being very immature I know but happiness is a new emotion as of late and I'm not regulating it very well. The man looks at us distrustfully.

"I can assure you sir that we are all very sober and are taking this very seriously. We're just excited nothing more. We truly appreciate you coming here after hours and helping us tonight. It's a true testament to your character." Peeta could convince the most skeptical person of anything. The man's expression softens and he turns around and leaves his desk hastily to gather what he needs.

"Would you pull it together? It took an act of God and a very large sum of money to get him to come here at this time of night." Haymitch scolds.

"I'm sorry Haymitch. Thank you." I hug him around the waist. I have never done this before and it seems to make Haymitch slightly flustered and uncomfortable. Peeta grabs my hand and pulls me to the side.

"Are you sure about this? We can all go home right now you know." He holds my face so I'm forced to stare into his eyes.

"I'm positive." He keeps staring at me and then releases my face.

"I believe you but if you change your mind…"

I stop his words with a kiss.

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**Earlier that evening at_The Hob_**

According to everyone involved this is what happened once I left _The Hob…._

When I slammed the door to the bar all hell broke loose.

"You're a real asshole you know that!" Gale screams.

"I'm an asshole?"Peeta can't contain his rage anymore and punches Gale full force in the face then tackles him to the ground. The bouncers come and quickly separate the two as they curse and swing at each other. They throw them out into the alley way behind the bar .As the door closes behind them Peeta and Gale are about to tear each other apart again when they are suddenly drenched in ice-cold water. Johanna stands holding a large tub that once held ice.

"Now you both pissed me off. You sit!" Johanna points to Peeta and directs him to the curb. He takes a seat obediently.

"And you sit!" Gale complies. "I'm going back in there and finishing my drink and you two assholes are going to have a conversation because this bullshit has gone long enough and don't think about starting up again or I'll call Plutarch and he'll have every reporter and flashing camera here before you can say I'm an fucking idiot!" with that she slams the door and leaves the two in dead silence.

They sit there for quite some time holding remnants of ice on their injuries. Finally Gale breaks the silence.

"She's right you know. This has gone on too long."

"You'll have to excuse me but I'm not quite ready to make nice so you and Katniss can play house."Peeta says bitterly.

"Jesus Christ ! You are clueless man. We're not with each other. Can't you see how much she loves you? She's been barely holding it together since you left." Gale yells in exasperation.

Peeta gives Gale a look of confusion. "What do you mean you're not together? Why are you here then?"

"It's her birthday or were you to busy feeling sorry for yourself to remeber that. What kind of friend would I be if I let her sit alone on her birthday?"

"But I saw you two kissing. I saw the whole thing."

"No. You saw me kissing Katniss." Gale takes a deep breath and continues sheepishly. "She told me she was in love with you and I panicked. I thought if I didn't kiss her … I don't know. I felt like I would always wonder what might have been. I couldn't leave her without knowing for sure. It meant nothing…seriously we laugh afterward at how bad it was actually."

"That's why you were laughing? You're not together?"Peeta repeats to himself in a shock.

"Never were. In fact I'm engaged. I'm bringing my girl by tomorrow so Katniss can meet her."

"So all these months…I thought… Oh shit." The weight of all his actions finally hit Peeta and he sits staring at the ground in a state of regret and disbelief.

"Yup. That about sums it up." Gale replies.

"It's over and it's my fault. Why didn't I just let her explain? She called Annie's a hundred times and I wouldn't take her calls. Oh my God what did I do?" He's mumbling to himself with his head in his hands.

"Hey listen to me." Peeta looks up from his hands staring at Gale. "Katniss is like a sister me. I know her better than I know myself and I know you two belong together. I haven't seen her truly smile since you left. It's like a piece of her is missing. It would be sweet if it weren't so depressing."

"Are you trying to make me feel better?"

"Sorry, what I'm trying to say is it's not over yet. Quit talking about you two like you're in the past tense."

"Gale, you saw me in there. You have no idea how much I just hurt her. She hates Paisley hates her and I….. on her birthday …I just thought you two were together and happy and it killed me. I was so hurt…It's not an excuse…. Oh god I'm fucking idiot."

"So you're giving up .You must not care about her as much as I thought. Maybe you don't deserve her." Gale stands up and starts to walk away.

As soon as Peeta hears him utters these words it's as if he's wakes up from a bad dream._ I do still have a chance. It doesn't have to be over. _Peeta thinks to himself.

"I love her! No I'm not giving up." He says.

"Good." Gale replies happily.

"I'm going to find her and beg her to forgive me." Although he says this as a statement Peeta looks as if he is asking for Gales advice.

"That's an excellent idea."

"Okay I'm going." Peeta starts to run down the alley and suddenly stops. "Gale, thanks….. and sorry about your eye."

"Any time and I think with all the trouble I caused a black eye is getting off easy. Now go!"

With that Peeta continues running toward the woods leaving Gale behind in the alley._ With a day as bad as today, _Peeta thinks to himself, _I know exactly where she'd would go_. He just hoped he wasn't too late.

* * *

** May 8th 7:30 pm by the lake**

I stare at Peeta in shock. _Will you marry me? _His words keep replaying over and over in my head. I know what I want to tell him but I've suddenly become mute. Peeta looks into my eyes with concern.

"Katniss? Are you okay? You don't have to answer now. Think about it and.."

"Why me? I'm moody." I blurt out.

"And compassionate." he quickly responds.

"I can't cook."

"You're amazing at hunting."

"I'm a basket case ."

"You're stronger than you think."

I look into his eyes and I can see how much he loves me. There is no doubt in my mind no second guesses.

"I know my answer." I say nervously.

"Okay. Do you want to tell me?" He looks pale and worried.

"Of course I'll marry you."

"You will?" Some of the color comes back into his cheeks.

"Yes I will. Yes." We're grinning ear to ear .He pulls me close and places a meaningful kiss on my lips. He lightly moves his lips across my mine causing my breath to become more rapid .I can't wait to marry this man. Suddenly I have an idea. I quickly part from Peeta's lips and stare at him.

"What's that look for?" He asks warily.

" I have one condition." I reply.

" A condition, okay…. what is it?" There goes the color in his cheeks again.

"I want to get married right now." As the words leave my mouth even I surprise myself.

"Now! As in here in the woods?"

"No. Let's go to the Justice Building right now and get married."

" Um… well they're not even open at this time of day are they ? Besides don't you want your mom there and Neli. Annie would want to be there too I'm sure."

"We can do the toasting later and invite people. Peeta, if I learned anything from being apart it's that I don't want to waste any more time.I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you I just want to start as soon as possible."

Peeta looks worried. This is very unlike me so I can understand his concern,"I just don't want you to feel rushed into this. Let's take our time, we have all the time in the world."

"Okay I didn't want to do this but you leave me no choice."I say in a serious tone.

"Oh God."he mumbles to himself dreading what is coming.

"It's my birthday, which you forgot about by the way and do I need to remind you that an hour ago you were grinding against that disgusting, filthy …"

"Okay okay. You can have whatever you want. Forever and ever. "He says stopping my words with hasty kisses.

"So we can go get married now?"Peeta nods his head in agreement.

"I would have married you years ago. I just want to make sure you aren't going to regret anything." I kiss him intensely and then hop up.

"Let's hurry. We'll need witnesses and Haymitch might have to pull a few strings so we'll have to swing by his place." We race out of the woods as darkness chases us. We manage to get to the fence a little after dark.

We stop at Haymitch's first who tells us, "It's about damn time. I'm glad to see you two got your head out of your asses." He makes a few phone calls and somehow gets the Head of the Justice Building to agree to marry us but we have to be there in thirty minutes. It amazes me what Haymitch can accomplish when he sets his mind to it.

Next, we go to the Hob and collect Johanna and Gale to witness.

"What happened to your face?" I ask Gale in shock. He stares at Peeta and they both smile guiltily. "You had a talk huh?" I tell Peeta.

"I apologized." He offers shrugging his shoulders.

"That's true he did apologize." Gale says as I roll my eyes.

"There's one more stop I have to make before we go." I say to the group.

"You'd better hurry sweet heart this guy's not going to wait forever." Haymitch bellows.

I return to my house in Victor's Village knowing exactly what I want. I just have to gather the courage to retrieve it.

"Will you come with me?" I ask Peeta. He can sense the trepidation in my voice .

"Of course. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just need to get something and I don't think I can do it alone." he gives me a reassuring smiles and we enter my house. As we walk down the hallway I feel tightness in my chest. The door to Prim's room has been shut since I returned to 12.I haven't been ready to open it. At first I couldn't even look at the doorway without feeling a gaping hole inside but over the years I've come to block it out of existence. I know this is an inopportune time for me to face this but I need to feel like Prim is with me today and what I need to do that is behind this door. I place my hand on the door knob and take a deep breath in , closing my eyes.

"I'm right here .It'll be okay. "I look into Peeta's deep blue eyes and know he's helps me find my strength and with him by my side I know I can do this.I twist the knob and turn on the light.I gasp as I look around the looks like she never left.I slowly approach her desk and see some dried flowers in a vase and then my eyes fall on a drawing of buttercup. I hold up the drawing and look at Peeta. There's no mistaking the style .

"Did you draw this?"I ask him. Peeta shakes his head with glassy eyes.

"She'd come over to visit me now and then; we'd talk or bake. I didn't know she kept that .I forgot I even drew it for her."He says reverently.

I can't help but feel that I was meant to come here. It's as if Prim sent me a sign tonight. This drawing is as close to her blessing as I will ever get. I look to the side table next to Prim's bed and my eyes lock on what I came here for. It's the pink ribbon I tied around Ladies neck when I gave the goat to Prim. She took to wearing it in her hair after I returned from the games and every time I saw her wearing it I was filled with joy. It forced me to recall one of the happiest times in my life . I carefully braid my hair and tie the ribbon to the end of it. Now I feel like I have a piece of Prim with me. I turn to Peeta and wrap my arms around him. He wipes a few stray tears from my cheeks. As I look at Peeta I wonder how I made it through the last three months without him. When he's here I feel I kiss his lips and say ,"Let's get married."

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**One more chapter to go! Thanks for the support so far. Please keep the reviews, follows and favorites coming.I'm struggling to finish this last chapter so I need the inspiration ( probally because I don't want it to end).This has been a wonderful experience so far. As always thanks for the support and keep it coming :)**


	30. Chapter 29

I swore to myself that I would never do this. My mother and father had such a wonderful marriage , even living with in the Seam and starvation looming over their heads day-to-day they seemed blissfully happy. Once my father died our whole world crumbled .I promised my self that I would never rely on someone that much .I would never allow myself to love the way they did because a love like that only lead to heart ache. Yet here I am .

Once the stout man returns to his desk we are in a whirlwind of papers and signatures. So far getting married is very businesslike and official, like when Peeta had to fill out permits for the bakery. It's not until the man asks us to join hand and face one another that the seriousness of the event hits me.

As I stare into Peeta's eyes I can see our whole journey reflected in them. I see a kind boy risking his own safety by throwing a starving desperate girl bread, I see him sacrifice his own safety again to save her in the arena, I see him giving comfort and peace to that broken girl all those nights on the train, I see almost loosing him in the quell and again in thirteen.I relive our lives together and wonder when I started loving him and I honestly can't think of a specific time. Maybe it was when I thought I lost him to the force field at the quell? Or perhaps it was even before that when I realized I could keep him in the first arena.I keep thinking back further and further until I notice that as long as I have known about Peeta's existence he has had a special place in my heart.I was so jaded by my father's death, my mother's abandonment, the reaping and everything there after that I never allowed myself to embrace my feelings. The truth is this moment was inevitable. Peeta and I were meant to be he 's always been mine and I've always been just took us a while to get to this point.

"We're getting married." I whisper to Peeta above the official's mumbling about the legality of the proceeding.

" We are."He says smiling at me blissfully.

It's that smile that reminds me of the emptiness I felt only a year ago. His smile reminds me of how far we both have come. I use to have an empty hole within that threatened to consume my entire being . It was Peeta who brought hope and strength into my life. He is my lifeline. I'm not aware but my eyes are welling up .Peeta runs his fingers over my cheek wiping away my tears.

"I love you ." I mouth to him.

"I love you." He repeats back to me .

The man is coming to the end of his speech and Peeta's face is inching closer to mine anticipating the kiss that will make our union complete. I keep my eyes locked on his as he brushes his nose lightly against mine. His mouth ghosts over my lips and I start to lean into him in anticipation. Finally when the man pronounces us married and we crash into one another. He grabs my face and caresses my lips with his as if we are the only two people in the room. When we part I can hear cheering and as I look around the room I see tears (Haymitch denies it but I saw him tear up) and just like that we're married.

Despite his serious disposition the man who married us gives Peeta a misty eyed hug and thanks us for letting him be part of this day.

"With everything we've all been through… it gives me hope to see a happy ending ."he says to Peeta.

I make my way around the room and accept everyone's congratulations. Gale lifts me off the ground and tell me he expects to see us at his wedding. Johanna punches my arm and says ,"See I told you this would be a birthday you wouldn't forget."Haymitch hastily wipes his teary eyes and gives me an uncomfortable slap on the back making an excuse that the summer air always makes his allergies act up.

Johanna offers Peeta and I the car to ride home in and say they will walk."I'm sure you need some time alone." She hovers on the last words and wags her eyebrows. I roll my eyes at her brazenness but she is right I do want to be alone with Peeta. On our drive home Peeta keeps kissing me until I have to gasp for air.

"We need to talk. "I say in-between kisses.

"About what? We're married now we have our whole lives to talk." he says leaning in to capture my mouth once again .I laugh and place my hand over his lips stopping him ."Ugh fine. What do you want to talk about? You changed your mind about kids and want to start now?" he says jokingly.

"Haha funny. No my stance on kids is the same sorry."

"That's fine, you'll cave eventually. They always do." He mumbles playfully under his breath and begins kissing my neck.

"Uh you're not making this conversation easy."

"Go on I'm listening." He replies taking my earlobe between his lips.

"Where are we going to live, when do tell people? Plutarch will have a field day with this. I don't want the Capitol press here stalking us and what about…"

It's Peeta turn to cover my mouth.

"Slow down" he says calmly "We can live wherever you want. As long as we're together I'm happy. As far as telling people… well we have a few days before the press will get their hands on the information but maybe we could strike a deal with Plutarch to do an exclusive interview or something in exchange for guaranteed privacy? Bottom line we have time and I don't want to waste tonight worrying about anything except how I'm going to get you out of that dress and in bed." He looks into my eyes to confirm that his answer was sufficient .I nod my head in agreement and he takes his hand off my mouth and kisses me softly.

" I want to move in to your house. It will be a fresh start." My house is tainted with too many ghost of the past. Snows visit before the Victory tour, Gale lying on my kitchen table near death, Peeta's betrayed face after he saw Gale and I kissing, not to mention the daily reminder of Prim's absence.

"Okay then we'll start moving your things into _Our_ house tomorrow morning. Is that okay?"

"Perfect."I reply contently.

When we get to Victor's Village I run into my old house to get a few necessities. I'm surprised at how at peace I am with leaving this place. Gale, Haymitch , and Johanna show up shortly after we arrive and I let them know that my house is the official guest house whenever hey come and to make their selves at home. Peeta and I say our good byes and start to walk over to our house. As we approach the door Peeta stops me .

"Wait! I'm supposed to carry you over the threshold." And he holds out his arms for me to jump in.

"No way. That's way to cheesy I'm not doing that." I hear chanting from the street _Do it, Do it Do it. _Peeta gives me a pouty face looking dramatically wounded. "Seriously?" I ask him. He nods his head.

"It's part of the getting married handbook. Ask anyone. Up you go Mrs. Mellark."

"Mrs .Mellark." I repeat to myself. It's the first time I've heard anyone say my new name out loud "Uggh !You're lucky I love you." I say in exasperation jumping into Peeta's arms . I hold his face between my hands and kiss him. Peeta raises his fist in the air to signal to our friends that he won. I can hear them whooping and clapping as he closes the door behind him. Once we get inside I separate my lips from his and stare at him for the longest time.

"What are you feeling right now? I don't think I've ever seen you look like this." Peeta whispers lovingly to me.

"I'm happy. That's what feeling, I'm feeling happiness."

The End

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**Thank to all who have stuck with this story.I have loved writing it and reading all of your wonderful ideas and comments. This has been such a wonderful experience and I will definitely be writing a sequel. Please make sure to follow me if you would like to read the sequel when I have it ready to go.I wish I had a title for you to keep an eye out for but unfortunately don't. Much love and thanks to you all for your support and inspiration. xoxox**


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